The Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom
by Nizuno Mikomi
Summary: Rating is for language in later chapters and some mild random violence. Come join us on the bus for good, clean, character-glomping, hentai-monk-swatting, crazy fun! Episode 16 now up!
1. Launching the Bus, Part 1 - The Blue Mon...

Nihao, minna! Hooray for me, I FINALLY posted something on FF.N! Joy! ^.^

Anyhoo, here's my fun and wacky series for all to enjoy. The full title of this series, which didn't fit on the title line, is "The Continued Adventures of the Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom." I'll be posting it in the Fushigi Yuugi section, but there are actually several different series that contribute characters to our random insanity as time goes on, including Trigun, Inuyasha, Rurouni Kenshin, Evangelion, Cowboy Bebop, and eventually Ranma ½½.

I've written 25 ½½ (yes that's correct) episodes so far, nineteen of which are posted on my website (see my profile for the addy ^.^) along with other fun Ghetto Bus stuff and links to my other three sites (image galleries).

  
  


Oh, and I don't own any of the characters I use here, except myself and the bus, which is my creation. The other real people belong to themselves. Kibby belongs to Chan, Jukai belongs mostly to Neko and partly to me, and Chemical Pops were created by the wonderful creative genius of K-Chan while on a sugar high.

Well, that's about enough yammerin' from me! Please R&R! Ja! ^.^

  
  
  
  
  
  


Episode 1: "Launching the Bus, Part One - The Blue Monk" 

  
  


(MJ, K-Chan, & Neko are scrubbing the last bit of dirt from a bus that looks older than King Tut. It needs a new coat of paint in the worst way. Nuriko is bent over the front grille, doing "her" best to repair the engine. Tani is replacing an axle. All five of them are wearing denim shorts and old T-shirts. They're all a bit grubby, b/c they've been working all morning. They're also starting to get a bit irritable b/c CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE, who shall remain nameless [ghettocouchguys], were supposed to show up and lend a hand, but never did.) 

  
  


K-Chan: *more than a little fed up with this damn bus* Tell me again. WHY are we trying to salvage this god-forsaken bucket of bolts? 

  
  


MJ: *sigh* Go back to the intro and read it again. It's ALL THERE. (K-Chan takes out the notebook with the original script, goes back to the intro, reads it again, and scowls, first at the book, then at MJ, who smiles triumphantly.) You see? Perfectly logical! If the "popping" between your minds wears down each character at the rate of . . . (blah blah blah quantum physics & technical BS no one really wants to hear yatta yatta . . . ) 

  
  


Neko: *aside to K-Chan* Give me a monkey wrench that I may silence her yammering. (A monkey wrench lands beside her on the pavement. She looks up. Nuriko winks back at her.) 

  
  


Nuriko: *stage whisper* You want it, you got it. Just shut her up, would ya please? (Neko nodds, but before she can bean MJ with said wrench, MJ shuts up of her own free will.) 

  
  


MJ: *happily; as she has no idea what just went on* I'll be right back! (She pops out of existence, reappearing about thirty seconds later with two buckets of paint in each hand. This happens twice more. After Tani finishes with the axle, everyone, grabs a paintbrush, except Nuriko, who is still working on the engine. They begin repainting the bus. All of the paint is blue, but not all of the same shade.) 

  
  


Tani: *from the top of the bus* By the by, M-Chan, where'd you find this old thing, anyway? (Points to the bus.) 

  
  


MJ: *after consideration* Well, it has to come from somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain . . . and they can get pretty dark . . . I think it might have come from a bad dream I used to have when I was a kid. 

  
  


Nuriko: *dryly* It certainly looks like a nightmare . . . . (Everyone laughs.)

  
  


MJ: *shoots Nuriko a dirt look* ANYWAY, [smile xjo-chan] I'd be on a bus or in a car or something like that, and it'd just start moving all by itself, I mean, like driving and everything. Used to scare the living hell outta me. 

  
  


K-Chan: *smirks* Doesn't take much, does it? (Just as MJ is about to deliver a snappy retort [which I couldn't think up], another character arrives on the scene.) 

Neko: (usual hyper greeting) Hi-eeeeeeeee! (She poings over to the newcomer and hugs him enthusiastically, covering the poor guy with blue paint in about four different shades.) Kon'nichi wa, no da! [You'd better know who this person is by now.] 

  
  


Tani: Well, if it isn't Neko's favorite monk! 

  
  


K-Chan: One of them, anyway. 

  
  


Chichiri: *smiles wryly and tries to unstick himself from Neko* (When he finally succeeds, he is splattered with four shades of blue paint from shoulders to knees.) Kon'nichi wa to you too, no da. (Nuriko backs out from under the hood, slams it shut, and starts cleaning oil and grit off his hands with a rag.) 

Nuriko: That should about do it. We might want to pick up a new . . . (He notices Chichiri, Neko, & the abundance of paint of both of them . . . ) Oh my . . . *snicker* You two . . . . (He bursts out laughing and falls off the front of the bus.) 

  
  


Chichiri: *vein pop* It's not that funny, no da. (The other girls, besides Neko, glance back and forth between Nuriko, who is rolling on the ground laughing his butt off, and Chichiri, who is turning a lovely attractive shade of pink. They all look at each other. MJ & Tani crack up, while K-Chan remains silent.) 

K-Chan: *stoically* Really, you guys, it's not. (Nuriko, Tani, & MJ completely ignore her.) Oh, come on! It's just a monk covered in blue paint! (That sets Neko off.) 

  
  


Chichiri: *glaring at everyone in general; vein pop pop pop* You all suck, no da. (They ignore that too.) 

  
  


Tani: *breathlessly* K-Chan, you'd laugh if it was Tasuki! 

  
  


K-Chan: (considers this for a moment, gets the funny picture in her head, starts to giggle, but stops when Chichiri gives her a "Don't-even-think-about-it,-no-da look.") *clears throat; composes herself* Gomen-nasai. 

  
  


MJ: (manages to stop laughing long enough to catch her breath and deliver her line) *wipes away giggle-induced tears* Oh geez, Chichiri! If only you could see how funny you look right now! (She collapses in laughter again.) 

  
  


Chichiri: *sigh* Does anybody have a towel? *to MJ* And don't make fun of my face, no da! 

  
  


Neko: *breathlessly* I don't . . . think . . . she was! 

  
  


Nuriko: *also gasping* It's . . . not . . . so much . . . your face . . . as . . . THE REST OF YOU!!!!! *howls with laughter* I mean, come on, I knew blue was your favorite color, but . . . don't you think you're taking it a bit too far? (Everyone laughs harder, except K-Chan, who is trying to be polite and not laugh at the nice monk.) 

  
  


Chichiri: *looks absolutely miserable* I hate you people, no da. (This is too much for K-Chan and she cracks up.) 

  
  


_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_ 

  
  


(Some time later . . . when everyone has FINALLY stopped giggling . . . the repair crew takes a lunch break. Chichiri has taken off his mask and kesa and is attempting to clean the paint off the latter. Neko is doing the "Happy Fangirl Adoring Stare" at him.) 

  
  


Nuriko: So, why where you late? Usually, you're the most punctual person I know. 

  
  


Tani: *glances at the paint-spattered kesa and stifles a chuckle* 

  
  


Chichiri: *glare* I tried to get everyone else up and moving before I left, no da. They're incredibly slow. 

  
  


MJ: *glances at kesa; swallows a chuckle* Doesn't much matter, anyway. We had just started painting when you got here. 

  
  


Chichiri: *grimly* I noticed. But some of it seemed to go astray. Neko-chan, you really need to work on your aim, no da! (Everyone chuckles at this. Neko continues to gaze.) 

  
  


Neko: *little hearts around her head* Uh-huh . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: *waves a hand in front of Neko's eyes; snaps her fingers a couple of times* 

  
  


Neko: *no reaction*

  
  


K-Chan: Um, Chichiri? You might want to put your mask back on. 

  
  


Chichiri: *looks puzzled* (He hasn't noticed Neko worshiping him yet.) 

  
  


Nuriko: Neko-chan's gone off to her Magical La-La land of Monk-Watching. 

  
  


Chichiri: *finally notices Neko, who is completely oblivious to everyone and everything . . . except him* Oh, right. *puts mask back on* Gomen, no da. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Phew! It's done! Now R&R like good little miscreants, ne? Oh, and visit my site, which has lots of fun GB related stuff on it. The addy's in my profile. Ja!


	2. Launching the Bus, Part 2 - Foolish Ques...

Episode 2: "Launching the Bus, Part Two - Foolish Questions" 

  
  


(A crowd of people has gathered to have a "Launching of the Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom" party. There are several tables with food and everyone seems to be having a fairly good time. The bus is all spruced up and painted about eight different shades of blue in a funky, swirly, '60s inspired pattern. "The Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom" is painted in white kooky script on the side.) 

  
  


Tasuki: "The Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of Doom" . . . ? 

  
  


K-Chan: No, no! You're forgetting the dramatic echo! 

  
  


Tasuki: *sweatdrop* Riiiiight . . . *backs up a step* My mistake. *takes off* 'Bye now! 

  
  


===

  
  


Inuyasha: (Aside to Chichiri, who is keeping an eye {sorry, bad joke} on the proceedings) So, whose hare-brained idea was this? 

  
  


Chichiri: I think it was M-Chan's, no da. 

  
  


IY: *eye roll* Why am I not surprised . . . 

  
  


===

  
  


Tasuki: *to Chan, as he picks up Kibby by the scruff of the neck* What the hell is THIS? 

  
  


Jesse: *who has had a little too much punch* It's a new kind of Pokémon! 

  
  


Chan: *makes an Oh-my-God,-you're-SO-incompetent face* NO, Jesse, not a Pokémon. (She takes Kibby back from Tasuki; places Kibby on her shoulder.) This is a Kibby. 

  
  


Tasuki: *without a clue* A what? 

  
  


Chan: *patiently*A Kibby. 

  
  


Tasuki: *still not getting it* A what? 

  
  


Chan: *a little less patiently* A Kibby. 

  
  


Tasuki: [Incredibly slow on the pickup, isn't he?] A what? 

  
  


Chan: *about ready to strangle him* A KIBBY, YOU NIMROD! A KIBBY! 

  
  


Tasuki: *FINALLY getting it* Oh, a Kibby! *beat* What's a Kibby? 

  
  


Chan: *pratfall* 

  
  


Tasuki: *still without the foggiest idea* What? What'd I say?

  
  


Chan: *to Nuriko; in passing* Is murder always a crime? 

  
  


Nuriko: *glances at Tasuki* Unfortunately. 

  
  


===

  
  


Miroku: *runs up to MJ, waving* Hey, M-Chan! 

  
  


MJ: *turns; gets hugged* Nihao, Houshi-sama! Glad you could make it! 

  
  


Miroku: Me too. The bus certainly looks . . . um . . . interesting . . . (Off her "ahem" look) Oh, sorry. "The Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom." 

  
  


Chichiri: *arriving on the scene* Congratulations! You're the first person outside the repair crew to say it correctly, no da! (Neko, who is never far behind, joins the group.) 

  
  


Neko: Pardon me, M-Chan, but did you get the birthday card we sent you? I meant to ask you sooner, but it must have slipped my mind. 

  
  


MJ: *aside to Miroku* I wonder why . . . (Points to Chichiri with her eyes.) 

  
  


Miroku: *cough/chuckles into his sleeve* Indeed. 

  
  


Neko: Nani? 

  
  


MJ: Nothing, nothing. *changes the subject* Yes, as a matter of fact, I did get the card. It was so cool! But, how on earth did you get Sesshoumaru to sing? And at end . . . was that a smile? How'd you pull that off? Who did you have to torture? Was he drunk? (Gets a suspicious look on her face; places hands on hips.) Neko . . . did you give Fluffy a Chemical Pop? 

Sesshoumaru: *in passing* Yes, they did. And nothing can make me tell you the rest of that story! (He glares at Neko, who, of course, glares right back.) 

  
  


Neko: *tapping the side of her nose with her index finger; winks* Just remember, Fluffy-chan . . . (Lowers her voice to a conspiratorial stage whisper) . . . the LEMURS are watching! *slinks backwards, still tapping* (Sesshoumaru a.k.a. Fluffy can't think of any response to this, short of violence and very messy homicide, [he's having a bad day] so he stalks off.) 

  
  


Miroku: Well, that was . . . uh . . . yeah. (His demeanor suddenly does a complete 180; he turns to MJ.) Oh, and before I forget, MJ, now that you're eighteen . . . . . . can I ask you something? [AN: Can you guess what's coming?] 

  
  


Chichiri: *eye roll* Oh boy, here he goes, no da. 

  
  


Miroku: *pointedly ignoring him* M-Chan, will you bear my child? (Several people around them stop talking and stare.)

  
  


MJ: *has invented a brand-new shocked expression* 

  
  


Neko: *looks betrayed and embarrassed* 

  
  


Chichiri: *shakes his head* 

  
  


MJ: *sputters* Excuse me?! (She turns to Chichiri in shock; he just shrugs) Chichiri, can I please borrow your shakujo for just a second? I'll give it right back, I promise. 

  
  


Chichiri: *grins* {He knows what she has in mind.} Sure, just don't bend it too much, no da. *hands her the shakujo* 

  
  


MJ: *nodds, turns back to Miroku* (The poor monk has no idea what's about to happen.)

  
  


Miroku: *expectant and hopeful* Well? 

  
  


MJ: NO! (She leaps into the air and cracks him over the head with the shakujo. As he collapses, she lands on her feet and gives the shakujo back to Chichiri with a little appreciative bow.) Arigatto, Chich-kun. 

  
  


Chichiri: *amused* Anytime, no da. 

  
  


Miroku: *from the ground* Owwwww . . . could someone give me a hand? I seem to have fallen and I can't get up. (This prompts laughter from the spectators.) 

  
  


Tasuki: *enters, following Chan, who is visibly POed* No, really! What's a Kibby? (He nearly trips over Miroku; he stops, and helps the luckless houshi to his feet.) Man, what happened to you? 

  
  


Miroku: *dizzily* M-Chan . . . 

  
  


Tasuki: *confused yet again* Say what?! 

  
  


Chichiri: Let me put it to you this way, Tasuki. Never ask M-Chan to bear your children, no da. That was Miroku's first mistake. 

  
  


Neko: *picking up his train of thought* And his second mistake was not running when he had the chance. 

  
  


Tasuki: *dubiously* Really. (He glances at MJ, who is smiling oh-so-innocently.) 

  
  


MJ: *nauseating cuteness* Who? (Points to herself ) *wide-eyed innocence* Me? Who could be scared of a face like this? *bats eyelashes*

  
  


Miroku: *hides behind Tasuki* Me . . . . 

  
  


Tasuki: *scoffs* Wuss! That's not scary! Taiits-kun, now there's a face to be afraid of! *glance* Or Chichiri in the morning before coffee with his mask off . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: *vein pop* What was that, no da? (His hand is white-knuckled around the shakujo.) 

  
  


Chan: *aside to IY* Why do I get the feeling that Miroku's not the only one who's going to get hit by a shakujo today?

  
  
  
  


And another episode bites the dust . . . . NOW REVIEW!!!!! Remember, reviews make Mikomi-chan forget about silly things like eating and sleeping! And remember to visit my site for more Ghetto bus fun! Ja!


	3. The Never-Ending Field Trip

Episode 3: "The Never-Ending Field Trip" 

  
  


(Everyone on the bus. Speaking cast list: MJ, Wolfwood, Fluffy, Rei, Miroku, Chichiri, Neko, Chan, Hoto-hori, Nuriko, XJo-Chan, Amiboushi, Suboushi, IY, Tani, Soujirou, Tama-neko, K-Chan, & Shippou. There are others, but none of them speak in this episode.) 

  
  


Nuriko: *jubilantly* And we're off! 

  
  


Fluffy: *sullenly* Dear God, what have I gotten myself into? 

  
  


Wolfwood: *turns to Fluffy* I dunno. He never talks to me anymore. 

  
  


Fluffy: *glare* Nobody asked you, human. 

  
  


Neko: *sweetly* Oh, Fluffy! You don't hate all humans, do you? {Hint, hint, nudge, nudge} 

  
  


Fluffy: *tersely* No. The fact that you provide me with food and shelter is enough to absolve you of that. 

  
  


Wolfwood: *to Neko, over Fluffy's shoulder* Translated: no. 

  
  


Fluffy: *gives him another "Die-Foolish-Human" look* 

  
  


Wolfwood: *puts his hands up defensively and turns back to MJ* This's your bus right? 

  
  


MJ: *absorbed in a book; just nodds* 

  
  


Wolfwood: Yeah? (He looks around, nodds approvingly, for MJ's benefit.) 'S nice. (Pulls out a cigarette, despite the "No Smoking" sign posted just over their heads.) D'you mind if I smoke? 

  
  


MJ: *looks up; kind of annoyed* Yes. [AN: Sorry, folks, but there are some things I just won't tolerate on my bus and smoking is one of them.] 

  
  


Wolfwood: *a bit daunted* Okaaaaaay . . . (Lights up anyway.) 

  
  


MJ: *starting to get pissed* Oi! I said no smoking! Kin-en! 

  
  


Wolfwood: *shrugs indifferently* (He exhales a cloud of smoke, some of which drifts in MJ's direction.)

  
  


MJ: (coughs, waves it away, glares at Wolfwood) I said no smoking . . . (She plucks the cigarette from his mouth, snaps it in half, tosses it out the window) . . . and I meant no smoking. (She goes back to her book.) 

  
  


Wolfwood: *stares at her quizzically for a moment, then shrugs and goes to light up another cig* Yeah. Whatever. 

  
  


MJ: *not looking up; finger point* You light that, I'm gonna make you eat it.

  
  


Wolfwood: *sweatdrop* Uh . . . right . . . *ditches cig; looks unsure for a second* A-HA! (Places church model on MJ's head none too gently.) Got any confessions to make? 

  
  


MJ: (She shuts her book, looks up.) *visibly annoyed, leaning toward royally pissed* Must you? 

  
  


Wolfwood: Confession's good for the soul, y'know. Don't you want to go to Heaven? 

  
  


MJ: *nonchalantly* Heaven doesn't want me. 

  
  


Wolfwood: Hell takes all comers. 

  
  


MJ: *turns her head; arches an eyebrow* Hell's afraid I'd take over. 

  
  


Wolfwood: *sweatdrop* Right . . . do you want to make a confession anyway? 

  
  


MJ: *irritated twitch; in an all-right-if-it'll-get-you-off-my-case tone* Fine, I confess to homicide. There, are you happy? 

  
  


Wolfwood: *shocked* HOMICIDE?! (This is said loudly enough to get everyone's attention.) Who? When? Where? How? Give me the dirt! 

  
  


MJ: *tersely* Well, actually, I can't really confess to sin I haven't committed . . . (Gives Wolfwood the evil eye.) . . . yet. Now get this church off my head before I have a reason to confess to committing homicide. Get me?

  
  


Wolfwood: (smiles nervously, and retrieves the church . . . post haste) *turns to Fluffy; tugs at his sleeve* Hey, can I switch seats with you? She's . . . *nervous glance at MJ* . . . violent. 

  
  


Miroku: *rubbing the sore spot where she hit him with the shakujo in Ep. 2* I know. 

  
  


Fluffy: *under his breath* She's not the only one. *To Wolfwood* If I switch with you, will it shut you up? 

  
  


Wolfwood: *nodds earnestly* 

  
  


Fluffy: Very well. (They switch seats.) Now don't talk to me anymore. 

  
  


MJ: *to Fluffy, re: Wolfwood* Annoying, isn't he? 

  
  


Fluffy: *nodds his agreement* Extremely. [They're gonna get along just fine.] 

  
  
  
  


[Meanwhile . . . ] 

  
  


Miroku: *to Rei; trying to start a conversation* So, you new in town? {So to speak.} 

  
  


Rei: * nodds; everything she says is very quiet* Mm-hmm. 

  
  


Miroku: First time on a bus like this? 

  
  


Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm. 

  
  


Miroku: Looking forward to the field trip? 

  
  


Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm. 

  
  


Miroku: Yeah, me too. *beat* You travel any? 

  
  


Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm. 

  
  


Miroku: Yeah? Ever been to New Zealand? 

  
  


Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm. [Let's assume she has.] 

  
  


Miroku: Really? I hear it's nice there. 

  
  


Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm. [Do you see a pattern emerging here?] 

  
  


Miroku: *decides to go out on a limb; gets down on one knee* Will you bear my child? 

  
  


Rei: *gives him a strange look; shakes her head* Uh-uh. 

  
  


Miroku: *pratfall* 

  
  


Chichiri: *to Neko* Hope springs eternal, no da. 

  
  


Neko: *cynically* So does rejection, apparently.

  
  
  
  


* * *

NOTE: This next part was inspired by a friend, who constantly complains that Amiboushi never holds his flute correctly. This one's for you, XJo-Chan. 

* * *

[Also meanwhile . . . ]   
  


XJo-Chan: *to Amiboushi; hands him a gift-wrapped package* Here, I got you a present. *evil eye gleam* 

  
  


Amiboushi: Wow, thanks! *Starts unwrapping it* What's the occasion? 

  
  


XJo-Chan: singsong voice* You'll see . . . heh heh heh . . . 

  
  


Amiboushi: (He unwraps the present, opens the box, and lifts out a toy robot. He looks at it quizzically for a moment.) It's, uh . . . well, it's very . . . *stumped* What is it? 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *slightly demented grin* Push the little red button. (Amiboushi pushes the little red button. The robot starts clanking and hissing.) 

  
  


Amiboushi: *sweatdrop* Hey! What the . . . ? 

  
  


Robot: *mechanical monotone* Greetings. I am the T575 Tutor. I know all, I teach all. What do you wish to learn? 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *jumps in* Teach him how to play the flute . . . 

  
  


Amiboushi: But I already . . . 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *cuts him off* . . . Correctly. *maniacal smile* 

  
  


Robot: Very well. (Holds up miniature flute.) Begin with the instrument like so. (Positions the flute the correct way. Amiboushi does it the wrong way.) INCORRECT! INCORRECT! (The robot goes berserk and bites him.) 

  
  


Amiboushi: OW, damnit! 

  
  


Suboushi: *from elsewhere on the bus* Hey, OW! What the . . . ? 

  
  


Amiboushi: *frantic* XJo-Chan, how do you turn this thing off? (The robot has begun scratching something on his arm.) 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *calm evil smile* Just hold the flute correctly. 

  
  


Amiboushi: *struggling to free himself* What?! 

  
  


Suboushi: Hey! What the hell is this?! (He holds up his arm. "Play your flute correctly, dumbass!" is scrawled on his skin in Japanese. Amiboushi yanks the robot off his arm, stuffs it back into the box, and slams the lid.) 

  
  


Amiboushi: *to XJC* You're evil, you know that? 

  
  


MJ: *raises her hand* Actually, I'M evil. XJo-Chan is simply psychotic. (XJC grins.) 

  
  


Amiboushi: *searching desperately for something to tie the box shut with* You're telling me there's a difference? 

  
  


MJ: *considers* Hm, I guess not! (Gives a little "go ahead" wave.) Carry on! 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *claps her hands gleefully* Yay! Fun, fun!

  
  


[Also meanwhile . . . again . . . ] 

  
  


Chan: * who has migrated to the very front of the bus; to Hoto-hori, who is sitting in the driver's seat* Hi. [That was a long way for nothing, wasn't it?] 

  
  


Hoto-hori: Ohayo. (Stares out front window.) 

  
  


Chan: So . . . how come you're sitting up here? I mean, doesn't the bus drive itself? *beat* 

  
  


Hoto-hori: *nodds* Yes, it does. 

  
  


Chan: *reiterates* So . . . how come you're sitting up here? 

  
  


HH: *draws himself up regally* Because I am the Emperor . . . *slumps* . . . and there aren't any seats left in the back of the bus. 

  
  


Chan: Ah. (They suddenly a cat squalling and they turn around. Soujirou has Tama-neko by haunches and is randomly beating the poor cat against the center table.) 

  
  


Soujirou: *smiling pleasantly* I hope we get there soon. 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr! 

  
  


Soujirou: I am not fond of buses. 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr! 

  
  


Soujirou: I find them annoying. 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr! (Group flinches, getting unnerved.) 

  
  


Soujirou: M-Chan, how much longer? 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr! (Tani and XJo-Chan look very scared and try to scoot away from the nice psychomaniac as inconspicuously as possible.) 

  
  


MJ: *a bit thrown by the beating of the cat* Uh . . . not long, I guess . . . I hope . . . 

  
  


Soujirou: That's nice. 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr! *Group flinch* 

  
  


MJ: Please stop that. 

  
  


Soujirou: What? (Hits Tama-neko against the table.) 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr! *Group flinch* 

  
  


MJ: That! Stop molesting poor Tama-neko! 

  
  


Soujirou: *pauses* Why? (Begins again.) 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr! *Group flinch* 

  
  


Neko: Come on, leave him alone! What'd Tama-neko-chan ever do to you? 

  
  


Soujirou: *ignores her* 

  
  


Neko: *jumps up and yanks Tama-neko out of his hands* (Tama-neko's tail puffs up to twice it's normal size and he runs to hide under K-Chan's seat.) 

  
  


Soujirou: *to Neko* I find your existence unpleasant . . . (Before he can do anything violent, he finds the point of HH's sword at his throat.) 

  
  


HH: * in that commanding voice where you KNOW he's not kidding* Enough. [AN: Whoo! Chills!] (Soujirou subsides. Collective sigh of relief.) 

  
  


IY: Y'know, Sango loves cats. If she were here, she'd probably tell him to . . . 

  
  


Neko: *gleefully* SIT! (IY thuds to the floor. Much laughter.) [AN: As of the first episode of the Ghetto Couch, Sango is no longer with us. Neko, you sick child!]

  
  


IY: *scowl* First of all, that's not what I going to say and second of all, that's not funny! 

  
  


Neko: Yes, it is! Yes, it is! 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *trying to coax Tama-neko out from under K-Chan's seat* Here, kitty, kitty. Here, Tama-neko, c'mon out. C'mere, Tama-kitty. (Tama-neko flies out from under the seat, streaks across the aisle and climbs down Chichiri's shirt.) 

  
  


Chichiri: I think he's traumatized, no da. 

  
  


K-Chan: *sardonically* Naw, d'you think? 

  
  


Tani: *sympathetically* Awww, poor kitty! (Shoots Soujirou a dirty look.) 

  
  


Fluffy: *disdainfully* Humans. 

  
  


MJ: Yeah, we're a lousy species, aren't we. 

  
  


Fluffy: Very. 

  
  


(Suddenly the bus starts to slow down. Everyone looks bewildered, especially MJ.) 

  
  


MJ: *under her breath* What on earth . . . ? 

  
  


Tani: Hey, MJ, what gives? 

  
  


MJ: *bewildered* I . . . don't know . . . 

  
  


IY: *derisively* What do you mean you don't know?! It's your bus! 

  
  


MJ: *glares* I'll have you know, this thing has a mind of it's own. 

  
  


IY: *scoffs* Keh. You made and you don't even understand it. Wonderful. Defective creator, defective bus . . . it figures. Why do I even bother . . . 

  
  


MJ: *vein pop* OSUWARI! 

  
  


IY: *crashes to the floor again* 

  
  


(The bus comes to a complete stop and the door opens. Everyone holds their breath in anticipation . . . )

  
  


Shippou: (clambers up the bus steps) Hey, are there any empty seats in here? (MJ & Neko leap to their feet.) 

  
  


MJ & Neko: *at the same time* SHIPPOU!!!!! (They rush forward and engulf Shippou in a "hug sandwich".) 

  
  


Shippou: *being smushed* Aaaaaaaaaack! 

  
  


IY: *winces* Ouch . . . 

  
  


Miroku: That looks painful. 

  
  


Tasuki: *snort* Psh, don't tell me you wouldn't love to be where he is right now! 

  
  


Miroku: *considers for a moment* Well, now that you mention it . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: *cuts him off* OK, you can stop right there. 

  
  


Shippou: *struggling to free himself* Leggo, leggo! (MJ and Neko let go. Shippou totters around in circles for a moment, with little dizzy circles around his head.) Oog! 

  
  


Chan: *to MJ &Neko* I knew you two were affectionate people, but geez! 

  
  


Soujirou: *who has somehow gotten a-hold of Tama-neko again* Are we there yet? 

  
  


Tama-neko: Mrarr!

  
  
  
  
  
  


R&R onegai! And visit my site! That is all . . . .


	4. The Blue Psychedelic Car Wash of DOOM Do...

Episode 4: "The Blue Psychedelic Carwash of DOOM Doom doom" 

  
  


(It's time once again to clean and repair the bus. Starting cast list: MJ, K-Chan, Neko, Chan & Kibby, HH, Nuriko, Chichiri, Tasuki, Fluffy, IY, Miroku, Shippou, & Lai-Lai. The crew is armed with buckets and hoses, dressed in "grunge togs" and bathing suits, and they're raring to go. Caffeine and sugar levels are running high, which is a recipe for disaster any way you look at it with this group. Unbeknownst to everyone else, MJ & Neko have declared it "Official Spontaneous Hug Day," another factor that's guaranteed to raise some serious hell.) 

Neko: *way too happy* Yay! It's time to wash the Happy Bus o' DOOM Doom doom! (Capers around for a minute before spontaneously hugging Chichiri around the waist.) Oi! 

  
  


Chichiri: *looks a little confused, but returns the hug* Neko-chan, you are so very strange, no da! 

  
  


Tasuki: *tousles Neko's hair* Yeah, but we love ya anyway! Ya psycho! 

  
  


Chan: *to Nuriko* What's with all the spontaneous affection here? 

  
  


Nuriko: *shrugs* I dunno, . . . but I want in on it! (Walks over, hugs the three of them together, and lifts the whole group off the ground.)

  
  


Chan: *getting a little afraid* Oh my. 

  
  


Tasuki: *as Nuriko sets them back on terra firma* What is this?! Official Spontaneous Hug Day?! 

  
  


MJ & Neko: *at same time* YES!!!!!! 

  
  


(They run around, giggling madly and randomly hugging people. Everyone is first perturbed, then amused, then enthused by this behavior. The girl's giddiness proves contagious. Soon, everyone is poinging around, hugging everyone else. As the energy level escalates, HH has the misfortune to arrive on the scene.) 

HH: *disturbed expression as he surveys the area* What on earth is going on here? (Everything STOPS.) 

  
  


(Neko is hug-sandwiched between Miroku and Fluffy. Chan is avidly hugging Kibby. MJ is involved in a group hug with IY, Nuriko, and Chichiri. K-Chan is hugging Tasuki and Shippou is hanging onto her neck. Everyone slowly turns to look at HH. Sinister smiles all around.) 

  
  


Chan: Well, hello! (The crew begins to glance at each other, grinning conspiratorially.) 

  
  


HH: (suddenly alarmed; backs up a step) What are you doing? 

  
  


Shippou: *at the top of his lungs as he leaps into the air* DOG PILE ON THE EMPEROR! 

  
  


IY: *gives him an odd look* What kind of sorry excuse for a pun was that? 

  
  


Shippou: *shrug* 

  
  


(Everyone gang-hugs HH, who is not sure how to react to all this. About ten seconds later, they all let go and back away, except for Kibby, who is still clinging to HH's arm.) 

  
  


HH: *looking down at Kibby* Um . . . 

  
  


Kibby: *happily* Hug! Hug! 

  
  


HH: *staring straight ahead; a little irritated* Chan . . . 

  
  


Chan: *a little worried* Yes? 

  
  


HH: *tight voice* Get this fuzzball off of me! 

  
  
  
  


[Some time later . . . ] 

  
  


(The crew has finally settled down enough to start washing the bus. Lai-Lai has arrived, along with Tani, who also got the "group hug" treatment. Lai-Lai has duplicated herself several times and her clones are busily scrubbing the wheel wells, washing the windows and sweeping out the inside of the bus.) 

  
  


Miroku: *to Chan; as they are scrubbing the side of the bus* Chan, will you please . . . 

  
  


Chan: *interrupting* No, I will NOT bear your child. *beat* 

  
  


Miroku: *somewhat abashed* . . . hand me the bucket? 

  
  


Chan: Oh. *grins sheepishly* Sure. (Hands him the bucket.) 

  
  
  
  


[Meanwhile . . . ] 

  
  


MJ: *to K-Chan; re: Fluffy, who has been acting strangely* Oi, K-Chan. What with Sesshoumaru? He's all . . . happy and . . . Well, he's happy . . . that's . . . odd. 

  
  


K-Chan: Two words. 

  
  


MJ: *apprehensive* Chemical Pop? *sweatdrop* 

  
  


K-Chan: *nodds* Uh-huh. 

  
  


MJ: *wide eyes* Ho, boy. We're in trouble now! 

  
  


K-Chan: *matter-of-factly* Yes, we are. Trust Neko to give a drugged lollipop to a demon with a "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" complex. 

  
  


MJ: *nodds grimly* Indeed. 

  
  


Fluffy: *suddenly appears and throws an arm around each girl's shoulders; they jump* Hey, ladies! The bus looks great, just great! And by the way . . . *pinches MJ's cheek* . . . so do you. *winks* Well, ta ta! (Skips off.) We're off to see the Wizard . . . 

  
  


MJ: O.O *sweatdrop* Okaaay . . . I'm substantially afraid right now! 

  
  


K-Chan: Can't say I blame you. 

  
  


MJ: *going back to scrubbing the bus* I'm gonna strangle Neko! She needs to lock those damned things up more securely! 

  
  


Neko: *in passing* But they're K-Chan's responsibility . . . 

  
  


MJ: *glares at K-Chan* Is that so . . . 

  
  
  
  


[Meanwhile . . . ] 

  
  


(Fluffy waltzes by Tani & Nuriko, singing "The Rainbow Song" from Captain Noah.) 

  
  


Fluffy: *singing; waltzing like a beaver after ten martinis* "Red and yellow and pink and green . . . purple and orange and blue . . . (Fading as he passes.) . . . I can sing a rainbow, . . . sing a rainbow . . . sing a rainbow, toooooooo . . . (Waltzes away. Stunned silence from Tani & Nuriko.) *beat* 

  
  


Tani: That was random. 

  
  


Nuriko: *staring after Fluffy* Uh, yeah . . . (They go back to washing the bus.)

  
  
  
  


[Also meanwhile . . . ] 

  
  


(XJo-Chan has arrives. She mercifully escapes the "group hug" treatment received by her predecessors. Unbeknownst to her, Amiboushi has also arrived, bearing the T575 Tutor, in hopes that something will happen to it . . . like a nuclear holocaust. Lai-Lai & Co. are still cleaning.) 

  
  


Lai-Lai: Washed the windows! Washed the windows! 

  
  


XJo-Chan: Oh dear God, here she goes . . . 

Lai-Lai: *buzzes around, emphasizing each task she has completed* Swept the floors! Swept the floors! *flit* Scrubbed the wheels! Scrubbed the wheels! *flit* (To Fluffy.) Make you sober! Make you sober! 

  
  


Fluffy: *high-tails it outta there* 

  
  


Shippou: *hiding behind Tasuki* What is that? Is it some kind of demon? Is it? 

  
  


Tasuki: *cynically* You're not that far off the mark, kid. 

  
  
  
  


[Later . . . ] 

  
  


(The bus is squeaky clean and repaired. The crew has taken a break for dinner. Due to a brief hose fight, everyone is at least a little wet, and so towels are passed around. Fluffy is still feeling the effects of the Chemical Pop. MJ & Neko are still randomly hugging people when they get the chance.) 

  
  


Tasuki: *to K-Chan* So anyhow, I'm still not gettin' this whole "Official Spontaneous Hug Day" thing. Can you clue me in? 

  
  


K-Chan: I'll try. It's something they came up with a while ago for no real reason. *pauses; considers* Actually, I've never really understood it myself. 

  
  


Tasuki: *glancing at Neko, who is randomly hugging Shippou* Can't imagine why . . . .

  
  


Miroku: *leaping to his feet* Inspiration! 

  
  


Nuriko: *tiredly* What now? 

  
  


Miroku: Let's have a wet T-shirt contest! (The girls look at each other skeptically. Miroku's brainstorm is hailed with enthusiasm by all the guys except Shippou.) 

  
  


Shippou: What's that? 

  
  


IY: Uh, may be you should wait on the bus . . . 

  
  


Shippou: *puzzled; as IY scoops him up and heads for the bus doors* Why? 

  
  


IY: (shoves him up the steps) Because. (Shuts doors.) Now stay there. 

  
  


(About ten minutes later, K-Chan, MJ, Neko, & Tani, all soaked to the skin, are standing beside the bus. 

XJo-Chan & Chan sit this one out, not quite as exhibitionist-inclined as their compatriots. Miroku is jumping up and down excitedly.) 

  
  


Nuriko: *who is acting as the announcer in a sparkly top hat and a pink sequined bow tie* Well, boys, whaddya think? Do we have a winner? 

  
  


Crowd: *cheers* 

  
  


Nuriko: I can't hear you! I said, do we have a winner? 

  
  


Crowd: *louder cheers* 

  
  


Nuriko: All right, our esteemed judges seem to have reached a consensus. Gentlemen, your decision, please. (A large banner unfurls in the audience.) And the winner is . . . (The banner reads "K-Chan.") . . . K-CHAN!!!! 

  
  


K-Chan: *struts froward and receives a large trophy; crowd cheers and applauds* Thank you all so much! You like me! You really like me! (MJ & Neko start spinning imaginary plates.) Oh, grow up, you two! (Waves at the crowd.) 

  
  
  
  


[Out in the audience . . . ] 

  
  


Amiboushi: *to XJo-Chan* So, how come you two didn't participate? 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *scoffs* Because we don't like parading around in cold, wet T-shirts, showing off our chests to a bunch of . . . *scornful glance* . . . guys. 

  
  


Chan: What she said. (Meanwhile, HH sneaks up behind them with a bucket of water.) 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *as he is about to dump it over their heads* Don't even think about it. 

  
  


HH: *subsides, disappointed* Drat. 

  
  


(Suddenly, the robot escapes from the box and latches onto Amiboushi's ankle. In case you haven't guessed, it's still going berserk.) 

  
  


Amiboushi: *dancing around; trying to shake the robot off* Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Get it off me! Get it off me! 

  
  


XJo-Chan: *gloats; enjoying his predicament in her sadistic way* 

  
  


Amiboushi: *to XJC* XJo-Chan! How do you shut this thing off?! 

  
  


XJC: *evilly* I told you before. Just hold your flute correctly. 

  
  


Amiboushi: *seizes his flute and holds it the correct way* 

  
  


Robot: Very good. (Holds up a piccolo.) Let us now proceed to the piccolo. 

  
  


Amiboushi: *not taking any chances* OK, fine, the piccolo. (Holds piccolo incorrectly.) 

  
  


Robot: *eyes glow red* INCORRECT! INCORRECT! 

  
  


Amiboushi: *hastily corrects his error* 

  
  


Robot: Correct. You are making progress. Let us now proceed to the panpipe. 

  
  


Amiboushi: *aside to XJC* When does it stop? 

  
  


XJC: *pauses for thought* I think . . . well, let's see. It starts with the woodwinds, then moves on to brass, then strings, then percussion, then theory and composition . . . I think it ends when you learn how to DJ. 

  
  


Amiboushi: *sarcastically* Oh, is THAT all? 

  
  


XJC: Actually, after music, I believe it starts on philosophy. 

  
  


Amiboushi: *runs away* Aaaaaaaaaaah! *Doppler effect* 

  
  


XJC: *calls after him* Wait! You still have to learn to play the xylophone! 

  
  


HH: *to Chan* What strange company you keep. 

  
  


Chan: *shrugs* I know . . . but they're good people.

  
  
  
  


[Elsewhere . . . ] 

  
  


Fluffy: *still tripping* "I'm a little teapot, short and stout,/ Here is my handle, here is my spout;/ When I get all steamed up, hear me shout -/ 'Tip me over and pour me out!' " (Collapses, giggling hysterically.) 

  
  


Chichiri: *to K-Chan* Chemical Pop, no da? 

  
  


K-Chan: Hai. 

  
  


Miroku: *watching Fluffy with a worried expression* That's . . . disturbing . . . 

  
  


IY: *as Fluffy passes out* You're telling me. At least you're not related to him. (His face lights up.) Hey . . . I've got an idea.

  
  
  
  


[Sometime later . . . ] 

  
  


Fluffy: *waking up* Thank you, I will have another cookie . . . *fully awake* Oh, my aching head! Oog, no more Super- Concentrated Chemical Pops for you, Sesshoumaru! (Notices IY's rosary around his neck.) What? Why am I wearing my brother's rosary? (Gets to his feet.) 

  
  


IY: *walks up, grinning like a maniac* Ohayo, brother! You look tired. Why don't you SIT down! 

  
  


Fluffy: *crashes to the ground* OOF! *as IY laughs hysterically* OK, that's just NOT fair!

Yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE sought professional help . . . . it didn't work. R&R ^.^


	5. Double Vision

Episode 5: Double Vision

  
  


(On the bus. Cast list as we begin is as follows: MJ, K-Chan, Neko, Chan, Kibby, HH, IY, Fluffy [now mostly sober], Miroku, Shippou, Chichiri, Tasuki, Nuriko, Naraku, & WW.)

  
  


(Set-up: Naraku is sitting off in a corner, chuckling to himself in a sinister manner. [AN: So what else is new?] Chan, Kibby, & HH are engaged in a game of Cat's Cradle. Neko is busily sketching various characters. Fluffy is sleeping off the Chemical Pop high. Tasuki is also asleep, with his head in K-Chan's lap. K-Chan, in turn, is asleep, leaning against the window. Everyone else is sitting, reading, or on the verge of dozing off. Nuriko is outside for some unknown reason.)

  
  


IY: *in a whisper; to MJ* So, what I'm wondering is . . . if there's no driver, how does the bus work?

  
  


MJ: *also whispering* You know, I'd like to know that myself. Why don't we go out and take a peek under the hood? (They tiptoe outside. The sun has almost set.)

  
  


IY: (opens the hood) Well, would ya look at that . . . (About a half dozen gremlins are snoozing on hamster wheels inside smallish cages. The hamster wheels appear to be connected to the gears of the bus.)

  
  


MJ: So THAT'S where they went!

  
  


IY: (gives her a strange look) Eh?

  
  


MJ: The gremlins. They used to live in my brain and make me act all crazy. Then, one day, they just up and left and I had no idea where the little buggers went. Now I know.

  
  


IY: *under his breath* USED to be crazy. Right.

  
  


MJ: Pardon?

  
  


IY: Nothing, never mind. (He closes the hood.)

  
  


Nuriko: (enters, carrying a big black pickling jar.) Hey, look what I found!

  
  


MJ: *perplexed* What the hell is THAT?

  
  


Nuriko: *shrugs* Ya got me. (Sets jar down.) I found it a few dozen yards away over there. (Points.) 

  
  


MJ: Hmmm . . . well, let's leave it out here for now. We can take a closer look in the morning. (They climb back onto the bus, leaving the jar on the ground outside.)

  
  
  
  


[A few hours later . . . ]

  
  


(Naraku enters, still chuckling ominously. Little do the others know that the pickling jar Nuriko found is actually one of Naraku's infamous Insta-Pots o' Evil. Something in the pickling jar now begins to bubble and steam . . . and move . . . )

  
  


Naraku: (muttering over the pot) Ku ku ku ku ku . . . . . . 

  
  
  
  


[The next morning . . . ]

  
  


Miroku: *to Nuriko* I'm going to take a walk. Have the bus swing back and pick me up in a little while, would you please?

  
  


Nuriko: OK, can do.

  
  


WW: (wakes up.) Ugh . . . I need a cigarette. (Notices MJ leaning on his shoulder, still sleeping. He grimaces and shoves her away. She topples right back over onto his shoulder. He shoves harder and this time, MJ falls to the other side and ends up on Fluffy's shoulder.)

  
  


Miroku: Ohayo. [Good morning.]

  
  


WW: What could possibly be good about it? (Remembers how optimistic the houshi tends to be.) Don't answer that. Anyway, I'm getting off this bus for a while. At least outside, I'm allowed to smoke. (Glares at MJ, still snoozing peacefully.)

  
  


Nuriko: *smiles; waves* OK, you two! We'll be back in while to pick you up. (Exit Miroku and WW.)

  
  
  
  


[Later . . . ]

  
  


[AN: When I wrote the following, I was extremely cuddle-deprived. Fluffy is not my bishounen. Neko, please don't hurt me.]

  
  


(Fluffy wakes up, mostly sober and back to his "pleasant" self. He yawns, half-stretches, then notices MJ leaning on his shoulder. A momentary look of disgust crosses his face. MJ shifts, snuggles onto his shoulder, and sighs contentedly. [Nauseating, isn't it?] Fluffy looks at her for a minute, contemplating whether or not to shred the offending human, then rolls his eyes and sighs resignedly. His expression softens for a split second when MJ shivers and draws her knees up. He drapes his tail over her, [We Love the Fluffy Tail!] and puts an arm around her shoulders. Soon, the two of them are asleep, leaning on each other.)

  
  


[AN: And now that I am without a shred of dignity, let us continue . . . ]

  
  


(Everyone else, except Nuriko, is sleeping as well, in little groups of two or three. K-Chan and Tasuki are leaning on each other, K-Chan with her head on his shoulder, Tasuki with his chin on top of her head. Chan is curled up on a seat with Kibby in her arms, like a beloved stuffed animal. Chichiri, Neko, and IY have created a sort of domino effect, with Chichiri leaning on the wall, Neko leaning on him, and IY leaning on Neko. Naraku is nowhere to be seen, which makes this author very nervous. HH is asleep sitting up with Shippou in his lap. Nuriko, of course, is right next to them.)

  
  


Nuriko: *glances around* Awww . . . how cute!

  
  


Neko: *blearily; waking up* Nani?

  
  


Nuriko: *gestures* Look around.

  
  


Neko: *looks around* Aw, aren't they kawaii?

  
  


(Meanwhile, Fluffy and MJ begin to wake up. They yawn and stretch . . . and then notice each other.)

  
  


MJ: *sweatdrop* O.o A-no . . . . *twitch twitch*

  
  


Fluffy: *equally twitchy* You . . . . (They spring away from each other, to opposite sides of the bus.) This never happened.

  
  


MJ: *nodds vigorously* Agreed.

  
  
  
  


[Later . . . er . . . ]

  
  


Fluffy: So, where's the lech?

  
  


Neko: You mean Miroku.

  
  


Fluffy: Yes, him. He hasn't been here all morning. *quickly adding* Not that I care, mind you . . . 

  
  


Nuriko: He and Wolfwood went for a walk this morning. You guys were still asleep. We're going to swing back later and pick them up.

  
  


(The bus begins to slow down. There is much bewilderment on the part of the riders.)

  
  


MJ: *mutters* Oh, NOW what? *to IY* Don't you even THINK about it! Remember the gremlins.

  
  


All: *extreme disbelief* GREMLINS?!

  
  


MJ: *perfectly calm* Yes, gremlins.

  
  


IY: *with a long-suffering look* Long story.

  
  


MJ: *all in one breath* See, there were these gremlins that used to reside in my brain and make me crazy, then one day they all disappeared and I didn't know where they went, but apparently, they now live in the bus and work the engine by running on hamster wheels. *gasp/inhale*

  
  


IY: *eyebrow raise* Then again, maybe not. (The others exchange bemused looks.)

  
  


K-Chan: *goes to the window* I wonder who we're stopping fo- . . . . O.O; Oh . . . . my . . . .God . . . . 

  
  


(The bus stops, the doors open, and a rather . . . uh . . . INTERESTING character walks up the steps.)

  
  


[AN: Neko was supposed to send me a picture of this guy, but it looks like that's not going to happen anytime in the near future, so I'll try and give you, poor suffering curious reader, a once-over in words. Basically, picture Miroku, only with peroxide blonde hair where the black roots are starting to show, the rosary and glove on the other hand, a pink hoodie sweatshirt with a yellow happy face decal, black cut-offs over purple biker shorts, and purple vinyl sneakers. Scary, ne?]

  
  


(The cast is, understandably, in shock.)

  
  


Tasuki: O.o; Holy sh!t, what the HELL is this?!

  
  


Neko: (claps her hands to her face) Omigosh! Miroku's gone crazy!

  
  


IY: . . . . er. [AN: As in "crazier".]

  
  


K-Chan: *sorrowful tone* I feel so bad! Maybe we should've been nicer to him . . . . 

  
  


Chan: *cynically* What, and bear his child? Because, you do realize that that's what "nicer" entails.

  
  


MJ: *tentatively; almost reluctantly* Well . . . he IS gonna die . . . .

  
  


Chan: *stares* O.O

  
  


K-Chan: *stares* O.O

  
  


Neko: *stares* O.O

  
  


(Hell, everybody stares.)

  
  


K-Chan: You can't POSSIBLY be serious . . . 

  
  


MJ: *winces* God, I hope not . . . (Walks over to "Miroku".) Uh . . . ohayo, houshi-sama. Genki desu ka? [Good Morning, monk {formal address}. How are you?]

  
  


"Miroku": *with a lisp* Oh, I'm just fine, sweetie, thanks! (Flaps hand and stands hip-shot.)

  
  


All: O.O;

  
  


Neko: *turns to K-Chan, on the verge of tears* Oh no! All our constant rejections must have driven him gay! (Begins sobbing melodramatically.)

  
  


K-Chan: *hugs Neko* Daijoubu, Neko-chan. Maybe he's just faking . . . . *to "Miroku"* You ARE faking, right?

  
  


"Miroku": Faking what? (Examines fingertips of left hand.) Oh, bother, my nails are smudging.

  
  


IY: *stares* O.o Holy Mother of God . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: I think he's flipped, no da.

  
  


IY: *nodds* In more ways than one . . . .

  
  


MJ: *to "Miroku"* Look, Miroku . . . the girls and I . . . we're sorry. We should have been nicer to you . . . and if it makes you feel any better . . . (She gathers her courage, steels herself, and spits out the words.) . . . I'll bear your child. (The other girls cringe.)

  
  


"Miroku": *puzzled* Now, why would I want you to do that, silly?

  
  


MJ: *shocked, and understandably so* O.o . . . . . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: Oh criminy, he's really lost it!

  
  


Chichiri: No kidding, no da.

  
  


MJ: Uh-huh . . . I see . . . *very worried aside to Nuriko* Nuriko, we've got a problem here . . . .

  
  


Nuriko: *enthusiastically* What problem? He looks great! Besides . . . (Throws an arm around "Miroku's" shoulders.) . . . I'm sick of being the only gay guy on this bus. 

  
  


"Miroku": *giggles cutely* Ah ha ha ha hee hee! You're so silly!

  
  


All: *twitch twitch* O.O;

  
  


Nuriko: I like this new you!

  
  


"Miroku": *puzzled, yet again* New?

  
  


Neko: *wails* I'm confuuuuused!

  
  
  
  


[Later . . . yet again . . . ]

  
  


("Miroku" has left. All the girls are moping around, depressed, because they think it's their fault that their friend turned gay. Miroku enters. Notice the different notation.)

  
  


Miroku: *jovially* Hi everyone, I'm back! (All the formerly moping girls look up, surprised.)

  
  


*beat*

  
  


Neko: (leaping to her feet) He's cured! (Rushes over to enthusiastically embrace her now-hetero houshi.)

  
  


K-Chan: *mildly pissed* That was a low trick you played on us, you dirty, rotten bastard!

  
  


Chan: Yeah, you jerk. Here we are moping around, all depressed and crying our eyes out because we thought we drove you crazy . . . 

  
  


IY: . . . . er. [AN: Same as before.]

  
  


Chan: *gestures agreement* . . . . er. But that's not the point!

  
  


MJ: *frazzled* I'll say. For Pete's sake, man, I offered to bear your child!

  
  


Miroku: (raises an eyebrow in a "you've-GOT-my-attention" expression) Did you really?

  
  


MJ: *caught slightly off guard* Well . . . yes . . . but only because I thought it might help . . . .

  
  


Miroku: *reassuringly* Oh, it would. (He flashes that irresistible smile.)

  
  


MJ: *emphatically* NO! I meant, because we thought you were crazy! I thought it might, y'know, snap you out of it or something . . . . *gives up* Oh, never mind.

  
  


Miroku: Well, whatever it was, it obviously worked. *beat* So . . . MJ . . . .

  
  


MJ: ForGET it, Miroku. There's not enough alcohol in the world.

  
  


Miroku: Urusai. That close . . . . (Group eye roll. "Does he EVER give up?") Oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea!

  
  


Chan: Um, yeah . . . . 

  
  


IY: How can I put this kindly, houshi-sama . . . . 

  
  


Tasuki: *bluntly* There's a hole in the boat and the bait's dead.

  
  


IY: Yes, that's perfect. Arigatto. *thumb-point to Tasuki* What he said.

  
  


K-Chan: *faint amused grin* Ouch . . . .

  
  


Neko: *still clinging to Miroku* No, Inuyasha! Don't be so mean! (Hugs Miroku.) He's a nice monk . . . .

  
  


IY: *smirks* Keh . . . for a lech . . . .

  
  


Neko: Oh, hush, you!

  
  


MJ: You know, Neko's right. (Also hugs Miroku.) Gomen, houshi-kun. I shouldn't have been so mean.

  
  


Miroku: (with two women hugging him, he's got a very self-satisfied "Hell Yeah" look on his face) Arigatou gozaimasu.

  
  


MJ: *matter-of-factly* But I'm still not gonna bear your child.

  
  


Nuriko: What I want to know is why you changed back into your other clothes! You looked just fine! What with the pink sweatshirt and the cutoffs and the vinyl sneakers . . . . never knew you had such cute knees, houshi-sama . . . *elbow nudge; knowing grin*

  
  


Miroku: O.o; Uh, yeah . . . . I'll just, uh, be on my way . . . . thank you . . . . (Exits, post haste.)

  
  


Nuriko: *befuddled* Was it something I said?

  
  


Chichiri: [who is quite the master of the less-than-ten-word understatement this episode] Most likely, no da.

  
  


Neko: Hmm, he must have selective amnesia.

  
  


Chan: Mm, and a split personality complex, too.

  
  


Shippou: Um, isn't that a bit far-fetched?

  
  


Chichiri: No duh, no da. [AN: I've been waiting since Ep. 1 to use that line!]

  
  


MJ: Well, yeah, but then again, we're on a bus that's driven by gremlins running on hamster wheels. Also far-fetched.

  
  


Chan: Point taken. But Miroku . . . . gay? That just . . . . it . . . .

  
  


K-Chan: *deadpan* Shatters a universal constant and plunges our nice, neat, orderly world into utter chaos?

  
  


Chan: Yes, exactly.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Nyeh heh heh heh . . . . kichigai desu! ^.^ (I'm crazy!) R&R please, and visit my site!


	6. The Wheels On The Bus

Episode 6: "The Wheels On the Bus"

  
  


(The bus is still rolling. The cast members present will be introduced at a point in the episode. K-Chan has a box of Chemical Pops under her seat. Nuriko, who has had several of said Chemical Pops, is trying to engage the others passengers in a sing-along, without much success.)

  
  
  
  


[AN: Anyone who has seen the "Fushigi Akuugi" scenes from the first FY OAV tape, the ones that involve a bus trip, should be nodding in recognition right about now.]

  
  
  
  


Nuriko: *severely tripping* Come on, everybody! *sings, rather tonelessly* "This old man, he played four . . . . " Come ON, people! (Continues singing in the background over the next few lines.)

  
  


Chichiri: *aside to Tani* This is pretty sad, no da.

  
  


Tani: *nodds* Indeed.

  
  


XJo-Chan: *muses* Perhaps we should sing along . . . . just to shut him up . . . . 

  
  


Fluffy: *glare*

  
  


XJo-Chan: *sweatdrop* Or, perhaps not . . . .

  
  


(A green sign lights up at the front of the bus. It reads, "Stop Ahead." Somebody apparently installed this between episodes, as it would eventually come in handy.)

  
  


MJ: *excitedly* Oo, our first official bus stop! Sugoi, no da!

  
  


Neko: *hell-hath-no-fury-like-mine glare*

  
  


MJ: Oops, gomen, Neko-chan. I forgot. (The bus slows to a stop and the door opens.)

  
  


Chiriko: *climbing the steps* Hi, everyone!

  
  


K-Chan: Chiriko! (Enter Genki and Trin behind him.)

  
  


MJ: (leaps to her feet) Ah, you guys! (Much hugging.) How on earth did you get here? (Meanwhile, more hugs from Tani and XJo-Chan.)

  
  


Nuriko: *forlornly* Will SOMEBODY sing with me, here?

  
  


Genki: *sings* "The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round . . . 'Round and 'round . . . 'Round and 'round . . . The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round . . . all through the town . . . . "

  
  


MJ: And all this without even a Chemical Pop . . . . K-Chan, buddy, pal, light of my life . . . I think I need one. (K-Chan hands her a cherry Chemical Pop.) Arigatto gozaimasu.

  
  


Trin: *feeling a little lost* Can anyone tell me who all these . . . (Glances at IY.) . . . people are?

  
  


Neko: *exuberantly; she loves doing this* I can! I can! (She darts around the bus and points out each character.) OK, here's how you remember them: the monk with the mask and the mohawk is 

Chichiri . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: *waves* Kon'nichi wa, no da!

  
  


Neko: . . . . the guy who currently has his hand on your butt and will shortly ask you to bear his child is 

Miroku . . . .

  
  


Trin: *slaps Miroku's hand away* Do you mind?

  
  


Miroku: Will you . . . 

  
  


Trin: *cuts him off* No chance, no way, no how.

  
  


Neko: . . . . the guy that looks like a girl with purple hair is Nuriko . . . . 

  
  


Nuriko: Nice to meet you!

  
  


Neko: . . . . the fang-boy is Tasuki . . . .

  
  


Tasuki: *waves, nodds*

  
  


Neko: . . . . the dog-demon in the boa is Sesshoumaru, also known as Fluffy . . . . 

  
  


Fluffy: *quirks an eyebrow*

  
  


Neko: . . . . the terrorist priest over there is Wolfwood . . . *notices his absence*. . . Oh yeah, he's not here . . the white-haired dog boy is Inuyasha; he's Fluffy-kun's half-brother . . . . 

  
  


IY: *nodds*

  
  


Neko: . . . . the little aqua-haired girl is Lai-Lai . . . .

  
  


XJo-Chan: Lai-Lai's my hero!

  
  


Lai-Lai: *winks, gives peace sign* Nyan!

  
  


Neko: . . . . this . . . smiling psychopath is Soujirou . . . . 

  
  


Soujirou: *smiling pleasantly* Hello!

  
  


Neko: . . . . and the black cat is Kuro-neko.

  
  


Kuro-neko: Meow.

  
  


Neko: And everyone else you already know. People of the Ghetto Bus, these two degenerates are Genki and Trin. (Chorus of "hi's".)

  
  


(The bus, which has been moving, now begins to slow down again.)

  
  


MJ: Oh goody, another stop! I wonder who it'll be this time . . . . (Everyone crowds around the door. The door opens. Chiriko trips and tumbles down the bus steps. Joyita, K-Chan's younger sister, is sitting on a convenient park bench when Chiriko lands squarely in her lap.)

  
  


Joyita: My prayers have been answered! (Hugs Chiriko.) Waaaiii! Waaaiii! (Puts Chiriko inside a giant hamster ball; laughs and claps her hands.)

  
  


Tasuki: *aside to K-Chan* that's almost as disturbing as Miroku turning gay.

  
  


XJo-Chan: But not have as disturbing as a certain person, who shall remain nameless . . . *coughs* Fluffy! *coughs* . . . singing "I'm a Little Teapot."

  
  


Fluffy: *glare*

  
  


Miroku: ANYWAY, now that we're stopped, I'm going to go see if I can't find Wolfwood. We got separated earlier and I haven't seen him since. (As he exits.) And there might be someone around here who will bear my child . . . . (Collective sigh from the other cast members.)

  
  


Nuriko: Well, then, since his babe-hunting is bound to take a while, why don't we all sit . . . (IY crashes to the floor.) . . . down and wait for him . . . . 

  
  


IY: *who somehow has the rosary around his neck again* Hey! What the hell's going on! I thought only Neko, M-Chan, and Sano had that power!

  
  


Naraku: (suddenly appears in the corner, chuckling in a sinister manner.) Ku ku ku ku ku . . . glad to see my curse is working. (Cackles.)

  
  


Trin: *aside to Neko* Um, who's he?

  
  


Neko: Naraku. Bad guy, completely bonkers. Doesn't like Inuyasha or Miroku very much. He's the one that responsible for Miroku having that bottomless hole in his hand that I told you about.

  
  


Trin: Ah. *beat* Why is he wearing a baboon pelt?

  
  


Neko: *shrugs* Because he is, I dunno.

  
  


Naraku: *continuing* With my Insta-Pot o' Evil, I have cursed the rosary you wear, Inuyasha. Now EVERYONE can activate it's power! Ku ku ku ku ku . . . . . (Vanishes.)

  
  


MJ: *shouts* Damnit, how many times do I have to say it?! NO SMOKING ON THE BUS!! *sigh; now quieter and puzzled* Oi, chotto matte. I thought the rosary was already cursed.

  
  


Neko: It was, but now . . . I guess it's double-cursed or something.

  
  


Tani: Guess so. *sympathetic glance; to IY* Too bad, Inuyasha-kun.

  
  


K-Chan: *hugs him* Don't worry, Inu-chan! Naraku's off his rocker anyway. We'll just have to be extra careful to avoid The Word.

  
  


Fluffy: *deliberately* Osuwari. (IY crashes to the floor.) Just desserts, brother. (Chuckles.)

  
  


("Miroku" walks up the bus stairs.)

  
  


Genki: Oh dear, that can't be good.

  
  


"Miroku": Hi people, I'm back!

  
  


XJo-Chan: Oh dear God . . . . 

  
  


Neko: *distraught* Oh no! Not again!

  
  


MJ: *aside to Genki and Trin* You guys might wanna . . . you know . . . (Nodds toward the back of the bus.) . . . This could get ugly.

  
  


"Miroku": (sidles up to Fluffy; stands hipshot) Well, hello . . . .

  
  


Fluffy: Get away from me, bouzu.

  
  


"Miroku": (pets Fluffy's tail) I'll bet we have just oodles in common, you and I.

  
  


Fluffy: *Glare O' Death* I sincerely doubt that. Get your paws off my tail. ("Miroku" backs off.)

  
  


Nuriko: Yay! You're back to your new self! (Hugs "Miroku".)

  
  


Lai-Lai: How strange . . . . 

  
  


Tasuki: "Strange" ain't the word . . . . I'd say downright bizarre, leaning towards frightening!

  
  


"Miroku": *to Nuriko* Oh you! (Giggles.)

  
  


Neko: *upset* OK, you know what? This isn't funny anymore! You tricked us last time, but now it's really getting old, so knock it off!

  
  


"Miroku": *confused* Eh? What are you talking about?

  
  


Neko: *getting more upset* Stop acting like . . . I dunno . . . Just be yourself!

  
  


"Miroku": But I am being myself.

  
  


Neko: *wails* I'm confuuuuused!

  
  


Tani: *getting a little angry* Cut that out, will you? We're not going to fall for this attention-getting ploy anymore. OK, you've got our sympathy, but none of us are going to bear your child, so look elsewhere, you lecherous bastard!

  
  


"Miroku": *wide teary eyes* But . . . . I . . . . (Starts crying and runs off the bus.)

  
  


Nuriko: *decidedly not happy* There, he's crying. Are you happy? (Storms off the bus.)

  
  


(The rest of the cast stands frozen in stunned silence. They have just witnessed several earth-shattering events: Fluffy being hit upon by a monk, Tani's longest speech ever, and Nuriko acting like a soap opera day-player. Naturally, this leaves them all rather disturbed.)

  
  


Neko: *summing it up for everybody* I'm still confuuuuused!

  
  
  
  


Hehehehe . . . Mikomi is a very disturbed little girl . . . with NO life . . . . . R&R and visit my site! ^.^ (I'm gonna say that at the end of every episode until people visit me so get used to it!)


	7. Ominous Happenings, Part 1 - Trauma, No ...

Episode 7: "Ominous Happenings, Part One - Trauma, No Da"

  
  


(Yet again, on the bus: Neko, K-Chan, Tani, XJC, Chichiri, Tasuki, Fluffy, IY, WW, and Shippou. MJ has gone off to try and find "Miroku" and Nuriko. Genki and Trin, substantially freaked out by all this, have left. Neko is still really upset over everything. XJC and Chichiri are doing their best to comfort her, while Fluffy sits sulkily by, offering cynical and sometimes needling comments.)

  
  


Neko: *distraught* This is so awful! First Miroku has another personality and now Nuriko leaves! 

  
  


Fluffy: And let us not forget that the lech-monk's other personality is a flaming homosexual! *shudders*

Ugh . . . .

  
  


Chichiri: Kuchi ni chakku, inu no baka. Neko-san is upset enough without any help from you, no da. (Hugs Neko.)

  
  


XJC: *sympathetically* Daijoubu, Neko-chan. The world isn't going to end just because Nuriko's a little steamed and Miroku flipped his wig . . . and his sexual preference . . . . 

  
  


Neko: *wails* But Fluffy sang the little teapot song and . . . and was all NICE!! That's an OMEN!!

  
  


XJC: *considering* Oh my . . . that IS rather depressing. (Gets up.) I need a cup of tea.

  
  


K-Chan: We have tea-flavored Chemical Pops. Will that do?

  
  


XJC: Close enough!

  
  


Neko: *sniff*

  
  


Chichiri: (pats her shoulder) You know, Neko-san, it's possible that Miroku's always been gay and this alternate personality is just his way of expressing it, no da. 

  
  


Neko: *pause* But . . . is Miroku is gay . . . then he'll never produce an heir and if he doesn't defeat Naraku and gets sucked into the void in his hand, there will be no one left to carry on the quest and avenge his family! Oh NO! (Starts crying hysterically again.)

  
  


Chichiri: *not sure what to do* Ano . . . please don't cry . . . *mutters* They didn't cover this in my training, nan no da. *to Neko* It'll be OK, Neko-san. (MJ enters the bus.) *to MJ* Any sign of them, no da?

  
  


MJ: (shakes head) Iie, none. (Indicating Neko.) How is she? 

  
  


Chichiri: Not good. She's still pretty upset, no da.

  
  


Fluffy: Why? The monk wasn't hitting on HER. *grimaces*

  
  


Chichiri: *exasperated sigh* Quit your whining, no da.

  
  


Fluffy: (sits forward) Don't push me, monk.

  
  


Chichiri: I'm not. Don't get you knickers in a twist, no da!

  
  


Fluffy: *haughty glare* Youkais don't wear "knickers".

  
  


Chichiri: That points to an appalling lack of personal hygiene, no da.

  
  


Fluffy: (stands) You wanna start something?

  
  


Chichiri: Don't make me exorcize you, no da.

  
  


MJ: (steps between them) Enough. (Points to Fluffy.) You, siddown. (To Chichiri.) You, chill. (To XJC, who is starting on her third Tea-Flavored Chemical Pop.) You, two's plenty.

  
  


Tasuki: *POed* Man, Miroku's got one helluva nerve, pulling this insanity crap and messing with Neko like that.

  
  


K-Chan: No kidding. And I just realized something: since this whole deal started, he hasn't once asked for a Chemical Pop. That's damned strange. Usually, he's addicted to them.

  
  


Tani: Maybe it's stress.

  
  


XJC: *slightly wasted* Or maybe he's trying to quit . . .

  
  


K-Chan: Not bloody likely.

  
  


XJC: *eyes glaze* Wow, the ceiling turns pretty colors . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: Um . . . . yeah . . . . 

  
  


Tasuki: (pounding a fist into his hand) Lemme tell ya, the next time I see that guy, I'm gonna punch him so hard, it'll make his ancestors dizzy! 

  
  


(As if on cue, Miroku walks up the bus steps, completely oblivious to the fate that awaits him.)

  
  


Neko: Tasuki, don't . . . . 

  
  


Miroku: I'm back. I . . . . (He is abruptly silenced by Tasuki's fist connecting with his jaw. Our luckless houshi flies backward several feet and lands on the floor.)

  
  


Tasuki: *at the top of his lungs* You lying son-of-a-bitch! How dare you . . . .

  
  


Neko: *on the verge of hysteria again* Tasuki, stop it! [She doesn't like seeing Miroku-kun pummeled any more than I do . . . . unless, of course, I'm doing the pummeling!] 

  
  


(K-Chan pulls Tasuki off of Miroku before he can do any permanent damage.)

  
  


K-Chan: *to Tasuki; points to seat* Osuwari. (IY crashes to the floor with much muffled cursing.) Oops, gomen. I forgot. (Taking charge.) All right, Miroku. You owe Neko-chan an apology and you owe the rest of us some answers. Explain yourself. (The bus begins to move.)

  
  


Miroku: *sigh* We've been through this. I need to defeat Naraku to remove the void from my hand and avenge my family, but in case I don't succeed, I need an heir . . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: (interrupts) That's not what I'm talking about.

  
  


Miroku: (rubbing his sore jaw; very confused) What ARE you talking about, then?

  
  


MJ: (just as pissed as everyone else, except for Chichiri ,who is the master of cool) You know perfectly well!

  
  


Miroku: *blank stare* I do?

  
  


Chichiri: *in the "we've-told-you-a-thousand-times-now-comprehend-damnit tone of voice* You pretended to be gay again, no da.

  
  


Miroku: O.o I what?

  
  


IY: (yup, he's mad, too.) And you wouldn't cut it out, even when Neko-san asked you to. Even when she got upset!

  
  


Fluffy: *grimly* And you were hitting on me.

  
  


Miroku: O.O; (Has gone from mildly incredulous to completely befuddled and is currently very scared.) 

I . . . WHAT?!

  
  


Tasuki: *perpetually POed* Don't tell me you don't remember!

  
  


Miroku: *hopelessly confused* But I DON'T! All I know is that I walked in here and got hit in the jaw by a ton of bricks.

  
  


XJC: *still wasted* That would be Tasuki . . . . K-Chan, did you know there's a squirrel on your head?

  
  


K-Chan: *sigh* No more Chemical Pops for you.

  
  


XJC: No, really! It's chittering at me!

  
  


Shippou: (Scratches head in the bemused child-like fashion of his.) I don't see any squirrel.

  
  


Tani: *nurturing parent voice* That's because XJo-Chan is hallucinating, Shippou-chan.

  
  


Shippou: Oh.

  
  


Miroku: Honestly, I have no idea what any of you are talking about.

  
  


Neko: Now I'm really confused!

  
  


MJ: Join the club, Neko-chan. (The bus suddenly sputters and grinds to a halt.) What the hell . . . ?

  
  


Neko: It's never done that before. (Looks out the window.) Hey, we're at the mall!

  
  


Tani: I think the ol' Ghetto Bus is trying to tell us something, wouldn't you say?

  
  


MJ: Hm, could be. I'm gonna check the engine.

  
  
  
  


[Outside . . . . ]

  
  


MJ: (opens the hood) Yup, definitely trying to tell us something. (All of the gremlins are slumped in their cages, panting. Enter K-Chan and Neko.)

  
  


K-Chan: So, what's the story?

  
  


Neko: *sings; does mini tap dance* "What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happenin'. What's the buzz?"

  
  


MJ: Looks like we're stuck here 'till the gremlins recover. They're bushed. (Hops down from the bumper.) And whoever is dumb enough to tow this baby is gonna catch hell from me!

  
  


Neko: Yay! Field trip to the mall!

  
  
  
  
  
  


Next Episode: We take our craziness on another field trip. The mall will never be the same . . . . 


	8. Ominous Happenings, Part 2 - Curiouser a...

Episode 8: "Ominous Happenings, Part Two - Curiouser and Curiouser"

  
  


(The entire cast has decided to pass the time until the gremlins recover by going shopping. That is, everyone who has ever traveled on the bus, with the exception of Chiriko, as he is still stuck in the hamster ball, and Joyita, who is enjoying the spectacle. Any characters not on th bus during the last few episodes are already at the mall, where we'll assume they've been since shortly after leaving the action. Everyone has separated into groups to go shopping. This should be interesting . . . . )

  
  
  
  
  
  


[Scene 1: Nuriko and "Miroku" @ the Food Court]

  
  


(Nuriko and "Miroku" are seated at a bar-style counter on red bar stools with a half-eaten platter of sushi between them. Both are holding chopsticks.)

  
  


"Miroku": *sigh* So, anyway, I just can't figure out why everyone's so mad at me. (Smiles winningly.) Except you. I mean, I'm a nice person. I don't go looking for trouble, but trouble always seems to find me.

  
  


Nuriko: (smiles back) Hey, don't worry about it. Shikkari nasai. They're just having trouble adjusting to your new lifestyle. It'll pass. (Sips drink.)

  
  


"Miroku": And Sesshoumaru?

  
  


Nuriko: *pause* Well . . . . he's what I usually refer to as a snot . . . and he's extremely hetero, so he's probably just uncomfortable with you making a pass at him. That's all.

  
  


"Miroku": I couldn't help it! I have a weakness for fluffy tails! [AN: Don't we all?]

  
  


(The cook at the sushi bar gives them an odd look.)

  
  


Nuriko: Oi, pal, would ya mind keeping your nose to the kitchen and out of other people's business? (Eats a piece of sushi.)

  
  


"Miroku": Come on, Nuriko. Don't make a fuss.

  
  


Nuriko: All right, all right. (Swivels around; leans back with elbows on counter.) I never figured you to be such a shrinking violet, houshi. You gotta learn to stand up for yourself once in a while!

  
  


"Miroku": (again, the winning smile) And I suppose you could teach me.

  
  


Nuriko: *grin* Thought you'd never ask. OK, Lesson One . . . . (Pan out.)

  
  
  
  
  
  


[Scene 2: MJ, Neko, IY, Chichiri, and Fluffy]

  
  


(This group is wandering around the mall. Miroku was somehow separated from everyone else during the confusion of getting off the bus, so now this gang is looking for him.)

  
  


IY: *to MJ* So, there's something I'm wondering.

  
  


MJ: *amused glance* Something else?

  
  


IY: Well, yeah. Your name is M-Chan, right? What does the "M" stand for?

  
  


MJ: *after thought* Well, according to Neko, Tani, and XJo-Chan, "M" stands for "Miaka" . . . .

  
  


IY: (finishes her sentence) But you're not so sure.

  
  


MJ: My, aren't we perceptive today? Actually, I HATE being called Miaka. That's why I chose the name Mikomi. Plus, two of my other nicknames also start with "M": "Mabataki" and "Mononoke".

  
  


IY: "Wink" and "Angry Spirit"?

  
  


MJ: (holds up a hand) Don't ask. Besides them, my kanji starts with an "M" as well. I think I'm stuck in a rut. Too many "M's".

  
  


IY: Hm. *beat* Oi, chotto matte. You have a kanji? (The others hear this last comment and stop.)

  
  


Neko: *puzzled* You what? Since when?

  
  


Chichiri: You have a kanji, no da?

  
  


MJ: Hai. (Lifts shirt slightly to reveal the kanji "mayou" about three inches above her navel.)

  
  


Neko: *reading* "Mayou."

  
  


Chichiri: *translating* "Wander." How appropriate, no da.

  
  


MJ: (puts her shirt down) Very funny.

  
  


Fluffy: *eye roll* Humans.

  
  
  
  
  
  


[Scene 3: WW, Rei, Soujirou, and Naraku]

  
  


(At a table elsewhere in the Food Court from Nuriko and "Miroku".)

  
  


Naraku: (not really saying much, just cackling evilly) Ku ku ku ku ku . . . . 

  
  


WW: *to Rei* Bit of a loony, isn't he?

  
  


Rei: (nodds) Mm-hmm.

  
  


WW: So, I don't get the fuss Neko-san's making over the lech-monk. D'you?

  
  


Rei: (shakes head) Uh-uh.

  
  


WW: I mean, sure, he was about as hetero as you can get, but still . . . y'know?

  
  


Rei: (nodds) Mm-hmm. 

  
  


WW: *after a pause* You're a woman of few words, aren't you?

  
  


Rei: (nodds) Mm-hmm.

  
  


Soujirou: Does anybody else want lunch?

  
  
  
  
  
  


[Scene 4: HH, Chan, & Kibby @ Victoria's Secret]

  
  


[AN: I know what some of you must be thinking. Don't ask. All this started when Chan asked me where characters go when they're not on the bus. I randomly decided that they go to the mall. From there, the idea of Chan, Kibby, and everybody's favorite emperor, Hoto-hori in a Victoria's Secret shop evolved in my demented little brain, despite much plate-spinning. So here it is. DANGER: RANDOM INSANITY AHEAD! More than usual, anyway. I am not responsible for any therapy bills the reader may incur later in life. You've been warned.]

  
  
  
  


Chan: *as they enter the store* Gee, Hoto-hori, I can't imagine why you want me to shop here!

  
  


HH: (turning beet-red) Watashi no dekinai . . . . [Neither can I]

  
  


Director/Editor: (from above; God voice) That's because in this world, I am God! I control everything, every aspect of your sorry little lives! Mwahahahahahaaaa! (Gets smacked by other Director/Editor.) Thanks, I needed that. Gomen, you two. Carry on.

  
  


Chan: Okaaay . . . (Kibby squirms out of her arms and scampers away.) Kibby! Come back here! You're not old enough to be in this store unsupervised! (Pauses.) Heck, I don't think I'M old enough to be in this store unsupervised! Kibby! (Chases after runaway koala.)

  
  


HH: (looking around) Miroku would love this place . . . . (Follows Chan.)

  
  


Kibby: (as Chan catches up to him) Chan, lookie, lookie! (Holds up a lacy red bra.) What's this?

  
  


Chan: O.o; Uh . . . (Turns slightly red.) . . . you're not supposed to play with that . . . .

  
  


Kibby: What's it for?

  
  


Chan: Not for you. (Snatches bra; tosses it onto a nearby display table.) Come on, let's go. (Scoops up Kibby; dumps him on HH.) Do NOT let him out of your sight.

  
  


HH: *to himself* Since when did he become MY responsibility?

  
  


Kibby: (grabs a thong off a rack) Oo, look, Chan! Can we play Cat's Cradle again? Can we? Can we please?

  
  


Chan: O.O Oh my . . . Drop it! (HH drops Kibby.) Not you! Kibby, drop it! (Kibby drops the thong. Chan picks him up and tucks him under her arm.) We are outta here! Why did we even come here in the first place? (They leave the store.)

  
  


Director/Editor: *giggles* I love messing with their li'l heads!

  
  
  
  
  
  


[Scene 5: K-Chan, Tasuki, Shippou, and Genki]

  
  


(K-Chan and Genki have Shippou by the hands . . . paws . . . whatever, and are swinging him along like a toddler between his parents. Tasuki trails along behind, looking decidedly jealous. The group passes a Pokémon display.)

  
  


Genki: *mesmerized* Oo! Pokémon! (Lets go of the kitsune and stands staring at display. Tasuki quickly moves to take Shippou's other hand . . . paw . . . whatever.)

  
  


K-Chan: Well, we've lost Genki. *beat* Moving on! (They walk away, leaving Genki staring blankly at the display.)

  
  
  
  
  
  


[Scene 6: Tani, Trin, Jesse, Amiboushi, XJC & Lai-Lai]

  
  


(Jesse is being her usual crazy self. She has decided that she wants to eat Lai-Lai . . . literally.)

  
  


Lai-Lai: (running for her life, keeping just ahead of Jesse) Eeeeeeeeek!

  
  


Jesse: Hold still, you tasty little aqua-haired morsel!

  
  


Lai-Lai: Kyaaaaaah! Help me!

  
  


Amiboushi: Uh, how many Chemical Pops has SHE had?

  
  


Tani: None, frighteningly enough.

  
  


XJC: *sings* "Chemical Pops, Chemical Pops . . . . "

  
  
  
  
  
  


[Scene 7: MJ, Neko, IY, Chichiri, & Fluffy]

  
  


(Group has stopped to rest. They haven't found Miroku yet and are starting to get a bit worried. Well, some of them, anyway.)

  
  


Neko: We have to keep looking! He's bound to be in here somewhere!

  
  


IY: What makes you so sure?

  
  


Neko: Uh . . . . 

  
  


Fluffy: *ominously* She just knows . . . . 

  
  


Neko: Yeah, what he said! (Begins to pace, one hand behind her back, one hand on her chin, Sherlock Holmes style.) OK, so . . . if you were a lecherous monk suddenly turned gay, where would you be?

  
  


Fluffy: In a psych ward . . . .

  
  


MJ: Ha ha frickin' ha.

  
  


Fluffy: Either that or on a chair with a rope around my neck . . . . 

  
  


Neko: (stops pacing; lip quivers.)

  
  


MJ: (annoyed glance to Fluffy) You know, you're not helping matters, fuzzball.

  
  


Fluffy: *twitchety twitchety vein pop glare* What did you just call me?

  
  


MJ: (glares back, speak slowly and deliberately) Fuzz. Ball.

  
  


Fluffy: Make no mistake. I will not hesitate to kill you.

  
  


MJ: (stands) Well, bring it on then, Potchi! ["Spot"]

  
  


Fluffy: Yada! [That does it!] (Tackles MJ; cat-and-dog fight noises ensue.)

  
  


Neko: Knock it off, you two! We have to find Miroku!

  
  


Fluffy: (has MJ in a headlock) Who cares? One less lech-monk turned gay sounds just fine to . . . (MJ sinks her teeth into his arm.) OW!! Damnit, she bit me!

  
  


MJ: *spits* P-tuh. Yech, wet dog!

  
  


Neko: (more lip quivers; tears form)

  
  


Chichiri: Now you've gone and done it, no da.

  
  


Neko: (sniffs; more tears) I still wanna find . . . 

  
  


Miroku: (running up) Phew, I finally found you guys!

  
  


Neko: (hugs him; she's hysterical) MIROKU!!!!!

  
  


Miroku: (looks a little stunned; pats Neko's head)

  
  


IY: *aside to Chichiri* How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?

  
  


Chichiri: *vein pop* She never hugs me like that, no da . . . . 

  
  


MJ: *singsong* Somebody's jealous . . . . 

  
  


Miroku: What's with Neko?

  
  


Chichiri: Oi, here we go again, no da.

  
  


Neko: (backing away) That reminds me . . . (Tackles Miroku.) DON'T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN! (Scary random anger lightening.)

  
  


IY: O.O; Boy, when they call her "Neko Yasha," they're not kiddin'!

  
  


MJ: O.o; Uh, yeah . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: Is that safe, no da?

  
  


MJ: Only for Neko. (Enter K-Chan and Tasuki with Shippou in tow.)

  
  


K-Chan: Hey guys! Any luck . . . . whoa! (Sees Neko and Miroku . . . on the floor . . . makes a few intuitive leaps . . . ) Are we . . . interrupting something?

  
  


Neko: Iie! (Scrambles to her feet.)

  
  


Miroku: Chikushou.

  
  


Neko: Oh come on! Us? Here? Now?

  
  


Tasuki: In public?

  
  


IY: With witnesses, no less.

  
  


Miroku: Hey, I can dream . . . (Group pratfall.)

  
  


Fluffy: He's a lech, what can you do? (Enter Nuriko.)

  
  


Nuriko: Hey everybody, how's it going? (Notices Miroku.) What? How did . . . But I thought . . . . (Enter "Miroku".)

  
  


K-Chan: Whoa . . . . (FY OAV end theme begins to play.)

  
  


IY: How is that possible?

  
  


Neko: There's two of them! (Camera zooms out on the two monks staring at each other.)

  
  
  
  


To Be Continued . . . . 

  
  
  
  
  
  


You know what's coming . . . R&R and visit my site! 

  
  


Next Episode: More Mall Madness. (Hm, these previews are fun! Methinks I shall make a habit of this.)


	9. Ominous Happenings, Part 3 - Revelations...

Episode 9: "Ominous Happenings, Part Three - Revelations"

  
  


(The music is still playing. The characters can hear it and they look rather confused.)

  
  


Nuriko: Uh . . . . 

  
  


Shippou: What's with the soundtrack?

  
  


Tasuki: Ya got me . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: Sounds kind of familiar, no da . . . . 

  
  


MJ: (walks into the frame, waving her arms) All right, all right, kill the music! (Music makes the "halted record" noise.) That's better. Sheesh . . . okay, action!

  
  


(The two monks are staring at each other, nose to nose, eyes narrowed.)

  
  


"Miroku": Who are you?

  
  


Miroku: I'm me. Who are YOU?

  
  


Fluffy: And I thought one of him was bad . . . .

  
  


"Miroku": (points dramatically) You are an imposter!

  
  


Miroku: Oh yeah?

  
  


Both: Houriki! (They throw ofuda scrolls at each other. Both stumble back with the scrolls stuck to their foreheads. "Miroku's" is written in swirly sparkly pink and purple ink.)

  
  


Miroku: Oroororororororoo . . . . 

  
  


"Miroku": Daaaaaa . . . . 

  
  


(They both fall over, unconscious.)

  
  


K-Chan: So, uh . . . now what?

  
  


Neko: *insanely happy* Dude, now I have two! (Does a happy dance.) Waaiii! Waaiii! (The rest of the cast catches up.)

  
  


XJC: There you all are! (Notices the unconscious houshis.) Uh . . . oh dear . . . .

  
  


WW: Well, that explains a lot.

  
  


Tasuki: If that's Miroku, who's THAT?

  
  


Neko: (crouching down) Only one way to find out. (Removes the ofuda scrolls. The monks open their eyes and sit up, groaning like they've got a nasty hangover.) Uh . . . so, um . . . no killing each other! (Turns to "Miroku".) So, if you're Miroku, and he's Miroku . . . . I smell a huge copyright violation here!

  
  


"Miroku": Eh? (Giggles cutely, making the author a trifle nauseous.) Who said I was "Miroku"? You all have been calling me that since I got here.

  
  


Miroku: So you're the one framing me! Gay indeed . . . (Glances at Fluffy.) . . . . Ugh . . . . *shudder*

  
  


Fluffy: *indignantly* Keh.

  
  


K-Chan: *to "Miroku"* So, if you're not Miroku . . . . Kimi wa donata desu ka. [Who are you?]

  
  


"Miroku": I'm Jukai. (Shakes hands with K-Chan.) Yoroshiku. [Nice to meet you.]

  
  


XJC: *the ever-practical* But . . . Miroku's an only child. Where did you come from?

  
  


Neko: (hugging them together) Who cares?! I've got two monks! 

  
  


IY: Actually, you've got three.

  
  


Neko: Even better! (More hugs.)

  
  


Nuriko: (picks up Jukai and pulls him aside) Learn to share, will ya!

  
  


Neko: Hey!

  
  


MJ: Neko, what IS it with you and monks?

  
  


Chan: *aside to MJ* Deep-seated need to corrupt the clergy. (MJ stifles laughter.)

  
  


Fluffy: (spins plate)

  
  


Miroku: (just kind of sitting there looking sad and neglected) Ano . . . I feel unloved . . . . 

  
  


Neko: Awww, kawaii sou ni! (Hugs Miroku.)

  
  


Miroku: (smiles; pats Neko on the head) Arigatto, Neko-san. Osore'irimasu. [I appreciate it.]

  
  


Neko: Oyasui koto desu. [No trouble at all.]

  
  


Tasuki: (scratches head) So, what are we gonna do with twin monks?

  
  


MJ: *seriously* I could think of a few things . . . .

  
  


XJC: (smacks MJ upside the head) Hidee-na. Bikkuri shi-chau. [That's terrible! I'm shocked!] Bad MJ, very bad!

  
  


K-Chan: You're sick, you know that?

  
  


Neko: That's just . . . no. Yech! *shudder*

  
  


Fluffy: (spins plate some more)

  
  


MJ: *puzzled look* I meant, let's put them in separate rooms and ask them questions and see if their answers are the same. What were YOU guys thinking? . . . Chotto matte . . . . (thought process) . . . . eew! Come on, people! I'm not ALWAYS thinking about . . . that.

  
  


XJC: Yes you are! . . . I think . . . 

  
  


MJ: Etchi wa sotchi. [You're the one with the sick mind.] Who do you think I am? (Points to Miroku.) Him?

  
  


Miroku: *glare* I resent that.

  
  


MJ: *continuing* No tame ni tengoku! [For Heaven's sake!] For one thing, I'm not a monk . . . .

  
  


XJC: *interrupts* But you WERE a nun . . . . Sister Mayhem . . . .

  
  


MJ: *Glare O' Death* Damare, teme. [Shut up, you. {rude}] (Too late. XJC has attracted everyone's interest with a single statement.)

  
  


WW: MJ was a nun? *sly glance at MJ* Do tell!

  
  


MJ: *vein poppity pop pop*

  
  


Suboushi: Since when?

  
  


XJC: *giddily* Oh, it was vastly entertaining! Our school was doing a production of "The Sound of Music" and MJ was a nun! Penguin suit and everything! (This prompts laughter from several cast members until MJ"s next line.)

  
  


MJ: *sings, because she knows XJC hates this song* "One little girl in a pale pink coat heard . . . . "

  
  


K-Chan: (picking up) "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-lay-hee-hoo!"

  
  


XJC: (howls over their voices with her hands clamped over her ears) Noooooooo!

  
  


Tani: *sings* "She yodeled back to the lonely goatherd . . . . "

  
  


Trin: "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-loo!"

  
  


Neko: "Soon her mama with the gleaming gloat heard . . . . "

  
  


Shippou: "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-lay-hee-hoo!"

  
  


Chan: "What a duet for a girl and goatherd!"

  
  


Kibby: "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-loo!"

  
  


(Miroku, Jukai, Neko, and MJ sing the Quartet lines in four-part-harmony.)

  
  


Quartet: "Oh-ho-lady-oh-da-lee-ho, oh-ho-lady-oh-da-lay. Oh-ho-lady-oh-da-lee-ho, lady-oh-da-lee-ho-lay."

  
  


(Lai-Lai appears in a pale pink peacoat. Soujirou appears in a green feathered cap and lederhosen.)

[AN: Fun mental image there, ne? ^.^]

  
  


K-Chan: *key change* "One little girl in pale pink coat heard . . . . "

  
  


Soujirou: "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-lay-hee-hoo!"

  
  


MJ: "She yodeled back to the lonely goatherd . . . . "

  
  


Lai-Lai: "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-loo!"

  
  


Amiboushi: "Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat heard . . . . "

  
  


XJC: *to Lai-Lai and Amiboushi* Traitors!

  
  


Tani: "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-lay-hee-hoo!"

  
  


Nuriko: "What a duet for a girl and goatherd!"

  
  


Lai-Lai & Soujirou: *together* "Lady-oh-da-lady-oh-da-loo!"

  
  


(Start twitching, folks. The entire cast joins hands and skips in a circle around XJC, all the while singing that confounded song.)

  
  


All: "Oh-ho-lady-oh-da-lee-ho, oh-ho-lady-oh-da-lay. Oh-ho-lady-oh-da-lee-ho, lady-oh-da-lee-ho-lay!"

  
  


XJC: *meanwhile* (wailing) Aaaagh! Make it stop! Make it stop! (She begins to shrink down under her fishing hat, a la Margaret Hamilton.) Oh, what a world! (She disappears under the hat, leaving a puddle. The cast slowly stops skipping and stares, dumbfounded.)

  
  


Chichiri: (scratching his head under the kasa) I thought I was the only one who could do that, no da.

  
  


WW: Apparently not. (Peeks under hat.)

  
  


Sano: (suddenly, randomly, arriving on the scene) Kon'nichi wa minna-san, doushitano. [Hi, everyone, what's up.] (Notices puddle on the floor; quickly jumps to the wrong conclusion.) Hey, now, what have we here?

  
  


Neko: (fidgets) A-no . . . . 

  
  


Sano: Looks like some poor baka spilled sake on the floor. *beat* Well, we can't have it go to waste, now can we? (Stoops and drinks the puddle.)

  
  


IY: *eye roll* Sore wa itsu mo sou desu. [It is ever so.]

  
  


K-Chan: E-to . . . Sano . . . . I wouldn't do that . . . . 

  
  


Sano: (completely ignoring her) Ah! That was good! You people should learn not to waste good sa- . . . (Stops; gets an odd look on his face.) . . . . That's strange . . . .

  
  


Tani: What's the matter?

  
  


Sano: I have this sudden weird craving for tea . . . . (Picks up hat; puts it on; eyes turn blue.) Oi, MJ, do you mind if I steal your fries?

  
  


MJ: O.O; (Hides behind IY.) Omigod, he's possessed!

  
  


HH: *quizzically* It appears so . . . but by what?

  
  


Nuriko: Yeah, what kind of demon steals fries and craves tea?

  
  


Neko: *finger point* XJo-Chan! (FY OAV end theme begins to play again.)

  
  


Nuriko: Well, yeah, but seriously . . . .

  
  


Neko: No, I mean it! Sano's been possessed by XJo-Chan!

  
  


Jukai: Oo, kinky! (K-Chan smacks him.) Itai!

  
  


K-Chan: That was on behalf of XJo-Chan.

  
  


Neko: Suddenly, it all makes sense!

  
  


Chichiri: Um, actually, Neko-san, it makes very little sense, no da.

  
  


MJ: No, no, it all fits! The hat, the tea, the fries . . . .

  
  


Sano: *a la XJC* Oh dear God . . . . 

  
  


Tasuki: O.o Whoa . . . .

  
  


Neko: Sano's been possessed the spirit of XJo-Chan!

  
  


Trin: This is gonna be . . . interesting . . . . (The FY OAV end theme is still playing; confused looks all around.)

  
  


Chichiri: Nani, no da?

  
  


HH: It's that music again!

  
  


MJ: *vein pop* Yada! Cut that out! (Music makes the "halted record" noise again.) Stupid soundtrack . . .

  
  
  
  
  
  


Ah yes . . . those soundtracks are troublesome indeed . . . . anyhoo, R&R and visit me blah blah blah . . . .

  
  


Next Episode: (half of which I wrote in my sleep . . . literally!) We attempt to exorcize XJo-Chan . . . .


	10. Re-re-re-repossessed!

A Quick Note Concerning "Chemical Pops": Chemical Pops are the creation of my good buddy K-Chan. Basically, they're Blow-Pops with . . . stuff in the middle. However, they do NOT, in any way, advocate drug abuse in any form. According to K-Chan, "Chemical Pops represent getting sugar high to the point where you start to wonder if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what's it's all about." 

  
  


Got that? Good. Don't hurt me . . . . 

  
  
  
  


Episode 10: "Re-re-re-repossessed!"

  
  


(Back on the bus, the gang is trying to figure out exactly what has happened to Sano. Sano, acting under XJC"s influence, now sports ripped jeans, Doc Martens, a glow-in-the-dark "Phantom of the Opera" T-shirt, and the sacred fishing hat. He is currently working his way through a third cup of green tea.)

  
  


(Nearby, K-Chan, MJ, Neko, Tani, Tasuki, Fluffy, Miroku, and Wolfwood are putting their intellects to the task of finding a solution. But, as they are all fortified with Chemical Pops, thoughtfully provided by K-Chan to help them through this time of crisis, the discussion tends to . . . wander. Frequently. Chan, Kibby, HH, Trin, Jesse, Genki, Rei, and Chichiri are also present.)

  
  


Tani: *orange* You know, the sky is blue, 'cause the sun shines through the atmosphere and reflects off the ocean and then that reflects off the ozone layer. (She has a substantial pile of sticks in front of her.)

  
  


Tasuki: *blueberry* So, how come the sky's not, like, orange over the desert or green over the jungle or something?

  
  


Tani: It could be. How do YOU know? (Leans in.) Have YOU ever seen the Great Valley? (Giggles.)

  
  


K-Chan: Alright, alright, 'nuff o' that. So . . . (unwraps a Sour Apple Chemical Pop) . . . what to do about Sano and XJo-Jiminy-Cricket-Chan . . . . 

  
  


MJ: *cherry* If she's his conscience, I have a feeling she's gonna get swatted. I mean, that's what I did to mine. (Pantomimes plucking something out of her ear, tosses it to the floor, and stomps on it emphatically.) Gooshed 'im. Li'l bastard . . . always bending my ear with that so-called "perseverance of good" racket . . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: *Dark Helmet voice* Evil must always triumph . . . (the others join in) . . . because good is dumb!

  
  


MJ: 'Zactly. So, I squished his buggy ass. (Snaps fingers for emphasis.) Problem solved.

  
  


Fluffy: *also fairly wasted* (Snaps fingers.) Problem solved . . . 

  
  


WW: What I wanna know is, how'd you manage to get a bug in your ear in the first place?

  
  


MJ: Hmm . . . (shrugs) Dunno. But he's gone now.

  
  


Fluffy: *high wasted voice* All gone, buh-bye! (Waves at imaginary bug.)

  
  


Neko: *perk* Wait a second . . . . (Proceed to have a one-sided conversation with herself.) . . . Yeah . . . Mm-hmm . . . Could be . . . Yes, I think so . . . .

  
  


Miroku: Is this a private conversation or can anyone join in?

  
  


Neko: (leaps to her feet, startling everyone) I'VE GOT IT!

  
  


Trin: *mutters* You've got something, all right.

  
  


Neko: I know how to cure Sano!

  
  


Tasuki: (raises hand) Uh, just to let you know, if it's the same thing I tried on Boushin, forget it. That doesn't do anything except piss people off.

  
  


HH: *glare* Indeed.

  
  


Neko: No, really! Come on, huddle! (They go into a football huddle. A buzz of whispers is heard.)

  
  


MJ: *over the whispers* Oh, that's terrible! Horrible! AWFUL!! (Pops head up and speaks to the camera.) I like it, I like it! (Somebody's hand pushes her head back down into the circle.)

  
  


Neko: OK? OK! 

  
  


All: *clap* Break!

=

[Later, after much set-up . . . . ]

  
  


(Neko gets the thumbs-up from K-Chan.)

  
  


Chichiri: *to Neko* A-no . . . Neko-san? Exactly what are you planning on doing, nan no da?

  
  


Neko: Oh, we're going to . . . (whispers in his ear)

  
  


Chichiri: (eyes widen) That's just crazy enough to work, no da!

  
  


Neko: (Smiles proudly.) OK, people, on my count . . . one . . . (Sano is oblivious, nose buried in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.) . . . two . . . (Sano looks up, sensing that something is amiss.) . . . THREE!

  
  


(WW, Fluffy, K-Chan, and Tasuki tackle Sano and hold him down, which is no easy task. Neko proceeds to dig in his ear with a pair of tweezers.)

  
  


Sano: Ow ow ow! Leggo! Lemme go!

  
  


Neko: *mutters* Come on, it's gotta be in there somewhere . . . .

  
  


Sano: (speaking in a completely different voice) Damn you, Neko! Turn me loose!

  
  


Tasuki: O.O; Uh, that's more than a little freaky. (Sano starts thrashing like a cat trying to avoid a bath. The others redouble their efforts to hold him down.)

  
  


Sano: (in another different voice) I'll tear you limb from limb! I'll fry your livers for hors d'oeuvres! I'll eat your hearts with plum sauce and chili powder! (Everyone looks a little scared, but they hang on.)

  
  


Trin: *flinch* never knew XJo-Chan was so violent.

  
  


Sano: (head twists at an impossible angle to speak directly to Trin) Well, then, you're not very observant, are you?

  
  


Trin: O.O;

  
  


Genki: Dude, it's the anime version of "The Exorcist"!

  
  


WW: *loudly and dramatically* The power of Chris t compels you! The power of Christ compels you! (Every time he says "Christ", the three monks hold up little signs that say "Buddha". MJ crosses herself.)

  
  


Neko: Try and hold him still just a little longer, you guys! I think I've almost got it!

  
  


Sano: *to Miroku, who is coming to help* You, houshi-sama. Tell them to let me go.

  
  


Miroku: (shakes head; kneels beside K-Chan to help hold Sano down) No can do. This is for your own good, Sano . . . XJo-Chan . . . whoever you are.

  
  


Sano: *now howling in Gaelic* [subtitle] "Blast you to cinders and damn your soul, you bastard! I'll kill your firstborn child, eat it for supper, and throw it's bones to the dogs! May the Devil swallow you sideways and choke on your pecker!"

  
  


Miroku: A-no . . . (Turns to K-Chan, whom we'll assume speaks Gaelic for the purposes of this episode.) . . . what did he say?

  
  


K-Chan: *wince* Suffice it to say, you don't wanna know. Trust me. (Sano struggles more violently.)

  
  


Neko: *frustrated* (Sits back with a huff.) I can't work like this! MJ!

  
  


MJ: Yo!

  
  


Neko: You find the tea leaves?

  
  


MJ: Hai, now what?

  
  


Neko: (Remarkably business-like a calm for someone who is trying to dig with tweezers in the ear of a person who is struggling and cursing and foaming at the mouth; tries to resume digging, but fails.) Tear a few of them up, have Chichiri bless them, and drop them into Sano's mouth.

  
  


MJ: (thinking her friend is completely bonkers) Um, OK . . . (Tears up a few tea leaves.) Chichiri-sama, will you do the honors.

  
  


Chichiri: (nodds, about as serious as one can get with that smiley mask on) Hai, nan no da.

  
  


Sano: (yet another voice; Spanish this time) [subtitle] "You will die! All of you will die! The vultures will feed upon your flesh!" (Switches to English, in XJC's voice.) Let me out! Let me out! Ocha wo ippai! [Give me tea!] ¡Yo quiero Taco Bell! (Back to demon voice in Spanish.) "Your miserable carcasses will be feast for the worms!"

  
  


MJ: Damare! [Shut up!] (Drops the shredded tea leaves into Sano's mouth.)

  
  


Sano: (chokes, gnashes teeth, which grinds up the tea leaves; relaxes, chewing the tea leaves.) *very out-of-character contented sigh* (WW, Fluffy, K-Chan, Tasuki, Miroku, Neko, and MJ breathe sighs of relief.)

  
  


Neko: *back to business* Much better. (Resumes digging with tweezers.)

  
  


Fluffy: Yes indeedy!

  
  


K-Chan: *to Fluffy* OK, Fluffy-kun, I'm cutting you off.

=

Miroku: Oya maa, Neko-san, you're brilliant! (Sano growls; Miroku casually swats him with an ofuda.) Houriki! (Sano subsides.) How did you know what to do?

  
  


Neko: XJo-Chan has a profound weakness for tea, especially when she gets emotional. It calms her down.

  
  


MJ: (protests) No, it doesn't! (WW smacks her.)

  
  


WW: Shut up, bitch. Neko speaks.

  
  


MJ: (rubs sore jaw ruefully, muttering and giving WW the "Boy-are-YOU-gonna-get-it!" glare.)

  
  


K-Chan: Oh, I get it! And having it blessed by a monk helps to control the demonic tendencies, right? (Chichiri smiles and draws himself up importantly.)

  
  


Neko: (uncomfortable glance to Chichiri) Actually, that was just to fit in with the whole "Exorcist" motif.

  
  


Chichiri: *disappointed* Aw, nuts, no da.

  
  


Neko: Gomen, Chich-kun.

  
  


Tani: *ever the optimist* Hey, it still worked, didn't it?

  
  


Chichiri: Hai, deshou ne . . . [I suppose.] *beat* . . . I need a Chemical Pop, nan no da. (Starts toward the box.)

  
  


Fluffy: (restrains him) Oh no, you don't! I remember what happened last time and I really don't feel like playing Suicide Prevention Squad with you right now. Get me?

  
  


Chichiri: (nodds sullenly)

  
  


Neko: (stops digging with tweezers; sits back) *sigh* I give up.

  
  


Chan: Just out of curiosity, what were you trying to do, anyway?

  
  


Neko: It occurred to me that XJo-Chan might be in the form of a bug inside Sano's ear, but I guess I was wrong.

  
  


Tani: Hm, oainiku, Neko-chan.

  
  


Neko: Yeah . . . (Gets up, dusts herself off.) Oh yeah! Almost forgot! (Reaches down and removes the ofuda.)

  
  


MJ: Um, is that wise?

  
  


Sano: (sits up, jovial and friendly, like nothing ever happened) Is the tea ready yet?

  
  


Neko: Honestly, M-Chan, you worry too much.

  
  


MJ: I'm allowed to. I'm old. (The gang goes back to their original setup from the beginning of the episode.)

  
  


Tani: So, anyway, like I was saying . . . . what was I saying?

  
  


Tasuki: Something about the Great Valley, or some wacked-out crap like that. I still have no idea what you were talking about.

  
  


Fluffy: *substantially wasted* Sounds like fun! How d'you get there?

  
  


Tani: *sappy drifting faces/candles/mystical echoes effect* "The bright circle must pass over us many times, . . . . and we must follow it each day to where it touches the ground."

  
  


Trin: *joining in* "Follow the bright circle past the great rock that looks like a long-neck and past the mountains that burn."

  
  


WW: *aside to IY* This is starting to sound like a passage from Revelation.

  
  


IY: What the bloody hell are you talking about?

  
  


K-Chan: *continuing* "Your heart will guide you. It whispers, so listen closely." (Enter Nuriko, Jukai, and Spike.)

  
  


Tasuki: OK, that was the single most formulaic thing I've ever heard. I have no idea what you girls just said.

  
  


Fluffy: Me neither . . . but it sounds so pretty!

  
  


Spike: Not that all this isn't extremely fascinating . . . . *mutters* and it isn't . . . . but how do you know it's even there?

  
  


MJ: Some things you see with your eyes. Others, you see with your heart.

  
  


Nuriko: Whatever the hell THAT means . . . . 

  
  


Spike: *to Jukai and Nuriko* You guys told me your friends were a little crazy, but you neglected to mention that they're certifiably insane!

  
  


K-Chan: (rocks back and forth) They're coming to take me away, haha . . . . 

  
  


Spike: *sigh* I need a smoke. (Produces cig and lighter from somewhere on his person.)

  
  


MJ: (as he goes to light up) A-HEM. (One hand rests on her hip, the other points to the "No Smoking" sign directly overheard, her foot tapping impatiently.)

  
  


WW: *eye roll*

  
  


Spike: (Shrugs; swallows cigarette.)

  
  


All: Eew!

  
  


Spike: *sigh* So many public places are non-smoking these days.

  
  


WW: (pats him on the back) I feel your pain, man. MJ don't help matters much here, either. 

  
  


MJ: Help? Here's an idea: quit.

  
  


WW: (salutes) Sieg heil, Fraulein Smoking Nazi!

  
  


MJ: (casually bops him over the head)

  
  


K-Chan: *rather louder than necessary* What the HELL is wrong with smoking? Not that I smoke . . . . cigarettes . . . . I confess nothing . . . . nor deny nothing . . . . aw hell, I need a Chemical Pop. (Goes to fetch herself one.)

  
  


Tasuki: Oh, boy, she's flipped. K-Chan's lost it.

  
  


Neko: Got news for you, buddy. K-Chan lost it a long time ago.

=

K-Chan: Oi, what the hell is this? (Pulls Kibby out of the box of Chemical Pops by one foot. He squirms out of her grip and drops to the floor.)

  
  


Chan: Kibby, how many times have I told you to stay out of the big people's candy box?

  
  


Jukai: (noticing the strawberry Chemical Pop that Kibby has managed to get his furry claws on) Um . . . is he supposed to have that?

  
  


Chan: No . . . . Kibby, drop it! (Too late. Kibby puts the pop in his mouth.) Uh-oh . . . . (Fire bell sound effect is heard.)

  
  


Kibby: O.O (ears flap) Ya-HOOO! (Shoots into the air like a furry miniature rocket and begins bouncing off the walls and ceiling. Everyone hits the deck. Jukai doesn't duck fast enough and Kibby beans him right in the melon.)

  
  


Jukai: *eyes cross* Daaaaaa . . . . . *passes out*

  
  


Chan: What have you done to my Kibby!

  
  


K-Chan: Wow, my Chemical Pops have never had THAT effect before! (They all duck as Kibby whizzes by.)

  
  


Chichiri: Probably because you never gave one to a koala before, no da.

  
  


K-Chan: Probably . . . . (They all duck as Kibby whizzes by.)

  
  


Sano: He has too much kinetic energy? What'll we do?

  
  


Miroku: *stands* I'll stop him. (Starts to remove rosary.)

  
  


Neko: No, don't! (She tackles him and Kibby barely misses them, leaving a slight dent in the wall.)

  
  


MJ: K-Chan, dear, I do hope you realize I'm going to hold you accountable for the damages caused by this little escapade.

  
  


K-Chan: *groan*

  
  


(Meanwhile, Neko and Miroku have landed in a very compromising position and are currently staring into each other's eyes.)

  
  


Miroku: *finds his voice first* A-Arigatto, Neko-san . . . .

  
  


Neko: *doukidoukidouki* Uh . . . sure . . . . (Chichiri looks jealous.)

  
  


MJ: Shmooze later, you two! Right now, we need to be more worried about the fluffed koala ricocheting around over our heads at a high rate of speed. (They duck as Kibby whizzes by, as if to emphasize the point.) Any suggestions? *beat*

  
  


Neko: Chichiri's kasa! *group flump* [AN: According to Neko, the answer to any unanswerable question is "Chichiri's kasa". Don't ask. I don't know.]

  
  


Tasuki: (grabs the kasa) Gimme a break . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: Hey! What do you think you're doing, no da?

  
  


Tasuki: (shakes kasa overhead) What the hell could this thing possibly do?! (Kibby flies straight into the kasa and disappears.) *stunned silence* Whoa . . . .

  
  


Chichiri: (stands up; dusts himself off) THAT'S what it can do, no da!

  
  
  
  


[Meanwhile, on Mt. Taitiouku . . . . ]

  
  
  
  


Kibby: (suddenly appears out of thin air high in the sky) Waaaaauuuuuugh! (Falls.)

  
  


Lai-Lai: (below, completely oblivious) *hums* (Picks a flower; smells it.) Pretty! (She suddenly notices a shadow from overhead. She looks up.) Eh?

  
  


Kibby: KYAAAAAH! (He lands on Lai-Lai.) *BAM*

  
  


Lai-Lai: Itaaaaiiiii . . . . Taiitsukun, small furry animal fall out of sky and hurt us, hurt us!

  
  


Kibby: *eyes crossed* Oog . . . . 

=

  
  


[Back on the bus . . . . ]

  
  
  
  


K-Chan: Nice going, Tasuki! That's usin' the old noodle!

  
  


Tasuki: *blush*

  
  


Neko: *to Miroku* Honestly, I know you wanted to help, but sucking Kibby into a black hole is not, I repeat, NOT going to make you very popular around here. And some of these guys are still a little sore at you over the whole double identities bit.

  
  


Miroku: (flashing that smile) But not you. (Yes, he's flirting.)

  
  


Neko: *blush* 

  
  


Chichiri: *vein pop* Yoush, that does it, no da. (Grabs Miroku by the collar.) May I have a word with you? (Yanks him aside rather forcefully. Removes mask; speaks in a low, serious voice.) Listen, lech-monk, you stay away from Neko-san, understand? (Pokes Miroku in the chest with one finger for emphasis.) She's mine.

  
  


Miroku: *visibly ticked off* Since when? (Tension tension tension.)

  
  


Chichiri: Teme no shitta koto ka! [None of your damn business!] (By now, the others have noticed what's going on. A verbal fistfight between two monks is kinda hard to ignore.)

  
  


Miroku: Oh, really? Why don't we ask Neko-san then, ne?

  
  


Chichiri: Are you calling me a liar, bouzu?

  
  


Miroku: Well, to be perfectly frank . . . yes.

  
  


Chichiri: *vein pop pop pop* If you weren't a fellow houshi, Miroku, I'd kick your ass, no da.

  
  


Miroku: (They're really getting in each other's faces now.) Don't let that bother ya, ojiji. [Old man {rude}]

  
  


MJ: A-no, could you guys stop hosing the bus down with testosterone, please? Somebody might slip.

  
  


Neko: (stepping between them) Come on, guys, don't fight! We're all supposed to be friends here!

  
  


Chichiri: (glaring at Miroku over Neko's head) We were . . . until this lech started muscling in on MY territory, no da.

  
  


Miroku: (gives him a dirty look)

  
  


Genki: *aside to Trin* Do you sense a grudge match in the making here?

  
  


Trin: *nodd nodd* Mm.

  
  


Jukai: *theatrical tear* Can't we all just . . . get along?

  
  


Sano: We could, but it's ever so much more entertaining when we don't!

  
  


MJ: Yeah, what do you want? A short series?

  
  


K-Chan: *to the monks* Do I have to separate you two?

  
  


WW: Maybe you should . . . . 

  
  


Chan: *slightly panicked* Never mind THAT! WHERE'S KIBBY?!

  
  


Chichiri: (smiles reassuringly at Chan) He's on Mount Taitiouku. They'll take care of him there until we can pick him up, no da.

  
  


Miroku: That reminds me . . . what's with the mohawk? I mean, you're a monk, not a rock musician.

  
  


Chichiri: *much vein popping*

  
  


Tani: Oh boy, now ya gone and done it . . . .

  
  


K-Chan: (physically separating them before they start throwing punches) Yoush, both of you have a seat. (They sit down on opposite sides of the bus, glaring daggers at each other.) Oh, knock it off! Can't you guys get along? (The monks maintain the poisonous glares, but force insincere smiles. K-Chan rolls her eyes.) Much better. 

  
  


Nuriko: This is not a happy bus.

  
  


Tasuki: No sh!t, Sherlock. (Nuriko casually clocks him over the head.)

=

Tani: He's right, you know. We have to cheer this place up!

  
  


Shippou: Let's play a game!

  
  


Spike: You MUST be joking.

  
  


Fluffy: *haughtily* Do you honestly think that I, Sesshoumaru, would stoop so low?

  
  


MJ: Um, unless you want K-Chan to take your head off, yes. 

  
  


K-Chan: (gives Fluffy her version of the Glare O' Death)

  
  


Fluffy: *sweatdrop* Very well then.

  
  


K-Chan: Yoush, how about some word association? Miroku-kun, we'll start with you. I'll say a word and you say the first thing that pops into your head.

  
  


Miroku: *hesitantly* Um . . . OK . . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: OK, then. We'll start with . . . um . . . evil.

  
  


Miroku: *without hesitation* M-Chan.

  
  


MJ: Present!

  
  


Trin: Christmas.

  
  


MJ: No! That's not what I . . . . never mind.

  
  


Tani: Candy.

  
  


K-Chan: Chemical Pops!

  
  


Fluffy: (shakes head) Christ . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: Buddha.

  
  


Genki: Temple.

  
  


WW: Ceremony.

  
  


Neko: Tea.

  
  


Sano: (looking around wildly) WHERE?

  
  


Neko: (wordlessly hands him a mug of tea)

  
  


Sano: (happily guzzles the tea)

  
  


Tasuki: *glance* Psycho . . . . 

  
  


Chan: Movie.

  
  


Jesse: Popcorn.

  
  


MJ: *twitch twitch*

  
  


Jukai: Something MJ doesn't like.

  
  


Miroku: People smoking on the bus.

  
  


MJ: *glare* Wolfwood.

  
  


Everyone: "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" (Again, the monks hold up their "Buddha" signs.)

  
  


Trin: Exorcism.

  
  


Tani: XJo-Chan.

  
  


K-Chan: Hats.

  
  


Neko: (jumps in) Chichiri's kasa!

  
  


Chan: *sadly* Kibby . . . .

  
  


Fluffy: . . . . the Flying Marsupial.

  
  


Chan: *glare* Not funny.

  
  


Nuriko: Annoying . . . . 

  
  


Spike: Women . . . . 

  
  


All Females: *GLARE*

  
  


Sano: Something Miroku likes . . . too much . . . . (sips tea)

  
  


WW: *bluntly* Sex.

  
  


Fluffy: (spins plate)

  
  


K-Chan: Tiddlywinks.

  
  


Sano: *shudder* Smart . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: Games.

  
  


Tani: Wink.

  
  


MJ: Me!

  
  


Miroku: Evil.

  
  


K-Chan: And we've come full circle. See, that wasn't so bad, was it? (Blank, indifferent looks from just about everybody.)

=

Chichiri: *shrug*

  
  


Tasuki: Actually . . . that was kind of fun.

  
  


MJ: *aside to Tani* (Kisses fingertips and pats her rear end, signifying "Kiss-ass.")

  
  


Tani: (chuckles)

  
  


K-Chan: Aw, Tasuki, you're such a sweetie! *hug*

  
  


Tasuki: *much blushing*

  
  


Nuriko: *to Rei* He's doing a lot of that today, isn't he?

  
  


Rei: *nodd* Mm-hmm. (Enter Sara J and Kouga.)

  
  


Sara J: Hi guys. How's every . . . . whoa whoa whoa! (To K-Chan.) And just exactly WHAT do you think you're doing?

  
  


Genki: Uh-oh, here's another grudge match in the making!

  
  


K-Chan: I'm giving Tasuki a hug. (Stands.) You got a problem with that?

  
  


Sara J: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do!

  
  


K-Chan: And just exactly what are you gonna do about it?

  
  


MJ: Um, nothing while you're on MY bus, OK? (They ignore her.)

  
  


Sara J: Don't make me hurt you!

  
  


K-Chan: Bring it on!

  
  


Tasuki: Ladies, ladies! There's enough of me to go around!

  
  


Both: Shut up! (They continue to argue.)

  
  


Trin: The days after Christmas are gonna be epic.

  
  


MJ: *aside to Neko* Who's that, Neko? (Points to Kouga.)

  
  


Neko: That's Kouga. He's a wolf youkai.

  
  


MJ: Sengoku Jidai?

  
  


Neko: Yup.

  
  


MJ: He's, um . . . *once-over* . . . interesting.

  
  


Neko: *dubiously* Interesting?

  
  


MJ: (nodds) Interesting. *beat*

  
  


Neko: Oh, just say it!

  
  


MJ: What?

  
  


Neko: *knowingly* You think he's a hottie.

  
  


MJ: *turning slightly red* I hate it when you do that.

  
  


Neko: I don't need to read your mind. Your face is an open book.

  
  


MJ: Shaddup . . . .

  
  


Neko: Come on, admit it . . . . you like him, don't you?

  
  


MJ: (smiles mysteriously) Maybe . . . . 

  
  
  
  
  
  


OK, I'm a hopeless romantic. I accept it . . . . R&R visit blah blah blah . . . .

  
  



	11. Crystal's Diner

Just so everyone's aware, Crystal IS based on a person from real life. She was a girl in my senior year Theater class and we got to be pretty good friends by the end of the semester. By that time, she had heard all the episodes of the Ghetto Bus I had written up to that point. She asked me if I would put her in an episode sometime, and I agreed. So, that's where our houshi-bashing waitress friend got her start.

  
  


NOTE: Gomen ne, minna, but I can't do the same for everybody. *weeps* I'm just not that TALENTED!

  
  
  
  
  
  


Episode 11: "Crystal's Diner"

  
  


(On the bus. Tempers have cooled somewhat, although there are some glances being thrown being two certain monks that could easily wither grass. Cast: MJ, K-Chan, Neko, Sara J, Tani, Sano, Tasuki, Miroku, Chichiri, IY, Kouga, Fluffy, Spike, WW, Chan, HH, Jukai, and Amiboushi, who for some unexplained reason is wearing IY's rosary. Kibby is still at Mt. Taitiouku, and despite Chichiri's reassurances, Chan is still worried. Neko, IY, Chichiri, WW, Miroku, Spike, Tasuki, and Fluffy are playing Fish on a card table that has magically appeared from somewhere or other, with the two monks seated on either side of Neko.)

  
  


Tasuki: *to Fluffy* Hey, furrball. Ya got any fives?

  
  


Fluffy: *vein pop* Grrrr . . . Go Fish. And don't call me "furrball".

  
  


WW: *aside to Spike* I need a smoke. How about you?

  
  


Spike: Hell, yes.

  
  


MJ: (overhearing) OUTSIDE!

  
  


WW: We know, we know. *sigh* Come on, let's go. (He and Spike head for the door.) *mutter* Troublesome bitch, isn't she?

  
  


MJ: I heard that!

  
  


WW: With ears like a frickin' bat, no less.

  
  


Spike: Oi, chotto matte! What the hell are we doing?!

  
  


MJ: You're about to go destroy your respiratory systems with harmful tar and nicotine, why?

  
  


Spike: No, I mean, the bus isn't stopped!

  
  


MJ: *slightly demented grin* Deal with it. (The bus sputters and grinds to a halt.) Bloody hell. Now what?

  
  


(Cut to exterior view, looking out from under the hood as MJ opens it, with Spike and WW looking over her shoulders.)

  
  


Spike: Well, that explains a lot. (The gremlins are off their wheels. They are squawking and pointing to their tummies.)

  
  


MJ: Aw, you poor things! (This earns her an odd look from Wolfwood.) You must be hungry. (Leans down slightly.) What would you like to eat? (The gremlins squeak and squawk.) No, you can't eat the nice priest, even if he is a pain in the ass. What's your second choice? (The gremlins squeak and squawk some more. WW looks very nervous. MJ nodds in comprehension.) OK, that we can do. Take five, fellas. (Shuts hood.)

  
  


WW: You speak gremlin?

  
  


MJ: Sure, why not? (She climbs back onto the bus.)

  
  


WW: I don't know what disturbs me more: the fact that the gremlins wanted to eat ME, or the fact that she could actually understand them.

  
  


Spike: Man, I'll tell ya, that is one weird chick.

  
  
  
  


[On the bus . . . . ]

  
  


MJ: *to everyone in general* Does anybody want to do me a favor?

  
  


Miroku: (leaps to his feet) Oo, oo! Pick me, pick me!

  
  


MJ: *sigh* Not that kind of favor. The gremlins are hungry and I need three volunteers to go get them some food.

  
  


Tasuki: *accusatory glare* And why aren't YOU going?

  
  


MJ: *tersely* Because I'm staying here to keep the gremlins calm so they don't bust out of their cages and pull a Hannibal Lecter on the rest of us. Capice?

  
  


Tasuki: O.o; Oh . . . . 

  
  


Hannibal: (climbing the steps) Did I hear someone mention my name?

  
  


Chichiri: Speak of the Devil, no da . . . . 

  
  


Miroku: (turns pale) O.O; Uh-oh . . . . 

  
  


K-Chan: Doctor! How nice to see you again!

  
  


Miroku: *under his breath* For YOU, maybe . . . . 

  
  


Hannibal: And you as well, K-Chan. (Kisses her hand.)

  
  


K-Chan: Doctor Lecter, may I introduce my friend, M-Chan, owner and proprietor of this bus?

  
  


Hannibal: You may indeed. M-Chan. (Nodds greeting.)

  
  


MJ: *greeting bow* Charmed, sir.

  
  


IY: *aside to Tani* OK, now I'm scared.

  
  


Tani: Oh, there's no need to be. Hannibal's a very polite and cultured guy . . . even if he does occasionally bite people. 

  
  


IY: No! I meant M-Chan!

  
  


Tani: But she doesn't bite. That's Neko and Jesse.

  
  


IY: No no no! She's all polite and . . . well-mannered and . . . well, it's just not her.

  
  


Tani: Oh yeah . . . weird.

  
  


Fluffy: Well, we are talking about a girl who dreamed up a bus, speaks gremlin, picks fights with youkai, and puts up with the rest of us. Frankly, I wouldn't be too terribly surprised if she did have a few more character traits up her sleeve.

  
  


Tani: Plus, this is the Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom. Everyone's out of character.

  
  


MJ: May I offer you a drink, Doctor?

  
  


Hannibal: No, thank you. (Notices Miroku.) Ah, my little tea biscuit! How have you been? [AN: See Ghetto Couch, if this is posted yet.]

  
  


Miroku: O.O; (squirms) A-no . . . . 

  
  


Chichiri: (enjoying Miroku's discomfort) What's the matter, Miroku? Cat got your tongue, no da?

  
  


Miroku: (leaps out of his seat) I think Ill go get some food for the gremlins! (Puts as much distance between Hannibal and himself as he can within the confines of the bus.)

  
  


Tasuki: (also rises) I'll go with you.

  
  


Sano: Me, too. (Looks very sad for a second.) We're out of tea. *sniff*

  
  


Neko: A true tragedy.

  
  


MJ: Yoush! We passed a gas station and a diner about a mile or so back. Pick up some bean sprouts, some saltine crackers, and couple of gallons of gas. (Blank stares from Tasuki, Miroku, and Sano.) -.- Gremlin fodder. Now, scoot!

  
  


Chan: I wonder how Kibby's doing . . . .

  
  
  
  


[Meanwhile, on Mt. Taitiouku . . . . ]

  
  


Taiitsukun: *to Kibby* And when you've finished pruning the bonsai trees, you can scrub the birdbaths.

  
  


Kibby: (who is wearing a frilly white apron) But I'm too small. I can't reach! (Taiitsukun zaps him.)

  
  


Taiitsukun: Since you've put Lai-Lai out of commission temporarily . . . (Flash to Lai-Lai, tucked in bed with an ice pack on her head, her arm in a sling, and a bandage "X" on her cheek.) . . . you'll have to assume all of her duties until she recovers. Or else.

  
  


Kibby: Awww . . . . (Goes back to pruning.)

  
  
  
  


[At Crystal's Diner . . . . ]

  
  


(Interior. A buxom redhead - Crystal, according to her nametag - is seated at a desk with her feet up. She is wearing a mid-thigh length, short-sleeved, red-and-white vertical pinstripe dress with a white collar and cuffs. The top three buttons of the collar are undone, revealing a substantial amount of skin. She is chewing gum and filing her fingernails, which are painted cherry red to match the dress. Her air is one of indifference, with a "the-hell-with-you" attitude thrown in for spice.)

  
  


(Enter Sano, Miroku, and Tasuki. Miroku, of course, starts falling all over himself as soon as he sees Crystal. Not wasting any time, he throws himself onto his knees, bows as to a goddess, and gazes in adoration. Crystal pauses in her filing and looks over at him.)

  
  


Crystal: *NY accent* Can I help ya?

  
  
  
  


Miroku: I've never seen any woman like you in my entire life! Goddess, will you bear this humble monk's child?

  
  


Crystal: (raises an eyebrow)

  
  


(Cut to exterior view. Miroku comes flying out the door and lands sprawled on his back in the dust.)

  
  


Crystal: *from doorway* Where I come from, that means, "No, and STAY out, ya lousy bum!"

  
  


Miroku: (doesn't move)

  
  


Crystal: (turns back into the diner, muttering indignantly)

  
  


Miroku: (doesn't move some more)

  
  


Crystal: Bear his child! The nerve o' that guy! (More non-movement on Miroku's part.)

  
  


Tasuki: Yeah, he's a lech. He gets like that sometimes. Rather frequently, in fact. I apologize on his sorry unconscious behalf.

  
  


Crystal: (arches an eyebrow at Tasuki) Now YOU, on the other hand, are a bit more my speed. What's your name, handsome? (Smiles seductively and places a hand on Tasuki's shoulder.)

  
  


Tasuki: O.o; A-no . . . . 

  
  


Sano: (leaning around Tasuki) Ya got any tea?

  
  
  
  


[Meanwhile, back on the bus . . . . ]

  
  


(Chichiri and Neko have dropped out of the card that IY, WW, Kouga, Fluffy, K-Chan, MJ, Hannibal, Jukai, Spike, Sara J, and Amiboushi are carrying on.)

  
  


Neko: I don't understand it . . . I just don't.

  
  


Chichiri: Don't understand what, no da?

  
  


Neko: You and Miroku!

  
  


Chichiri: *blank, slightly taken aback stare*

  
  


Neko: Why are you guys fighting? You're monks, you're supposed to be peaceful!

  
  


Chichiri: *quietly; looking a bit uncomfortable* Well, . . . (removes mask) . . . it's because we both . . . want something . . . and only one of us can have it, no da.

  
  


Neko: Chichiri, I'm surprised at you! Don't you think it's beneath you to be so petty?

  
  


Chichiri: (looking very uncomfortable) A-no . . . . 

  
  


Neko: *exasperated sigh* What is it that you both want?

  
  


Chichiri: (averts eyes) You . . . . 

  
  


Neko: O.O

  
  
  
  


Don't look at me . . . it was Neko's idea . . . . so is the nest episode.

  
  


Next Episode: Ever wanted to see two monks in a street brawl?

  
  


R&R visit me . . . and so on and so forth . . . .


	12. A Large Dose of Melodrama

Episode 12: "A Large Dose of Melodrama"

  
  


[AN: Just to warn you all, this episode is a not-very-subtle rip-off of "Flame of Friendship" from the FY OAV's. Gomen, minna. I have no shame.]

  
  


(Open with recap ending of last episode.)

  
  


Neko: Why are you and Miroku fighting? 

  
  


(Camera pans across Chichiri's eyes. Voiceover is heard.)

  
  


Chichiri: *voiceover* Listen, lech-monk, you stay away from Neko-san, understand? She's mine.

  
  


Miroku: *voiceover* Since when?

  
  


Chichiri: *voiceover* Teme no shitta koto ka! [None of your damn business!]

  
  


Miroku: *voiceover* Oh, really? Why don't we ask Neko-san then, ne?

  
  


(Camera cuts to neko and pans across her eyes. More voiceovers.)

  
  


Neko: *voiceover* Come one, you guys, don't fight! We're all supposed to be friends here!

  
  


Chichiri: *voiceover* We were . . . until this lech started muscling in on my territory, no da.

  
  


Neko: *thought* What did he mean?

  
  


Chichiri: *aloud* We're fighting because . . . we both want something . . . and only one of us can have it, no da.

  
  


Neko: What is it that you both want?

  
  


Chichiri: (averts eyes) You . . . . *long silence*

  
  


Neko: M-Me? Demo . . . doushite?

  
  


Chichiri: Miroku . . . well, let's face it, he wants to get laid. There's no way around it, no da.

  
  


Neko: And what about you? *beat*

  
  


Chichiri: Neko-san . . . . (Bus door slams open.) YOU!

  
  


Miroku: *in doorway, partial silhouette*

  
  


(Shot of the back of the bus. Miroku goes flying over the camera and strikes the back wall. Cut to the front of the bus, where Chichiri is standing, along with Neko. He looks pissed, she looks concerned.)

  
  


Neko: (starts to run forward) Miroku!

  
  


Chichiri: (grabs her arm) Forget him, Neko. Your place is with me now. 

  
  


(K-Chan moves to interfere. Fluffy blocks her.)

Fluffy: Iie. Let them settle it their way. It's for the best. *slightly sinister smile* Besides, this could be entertaining . . . . 

  
  


Miroku: (sits up slowly, apparently in pain) Houjin . . . let her go.

  
  


Neko: *doukidoukidouki*

  
  


Chichiri: Keh, not in this lifetime! From now on, Neko belongs to me.

  
  


Miroku: (gets to his feet) You're making a big mistake. (Starts forward.) I'm not going to be able to forgive you for hurting Neko-san, but we can still settle this peacefully. (Stops about two feet away.) Now let her go. 

  
  


*Long tense silence*

  
  


Chichiri: Aw hell, damnit! (Slugs Miroku in the jaw.)

  
  


Miroku: (Stumbles back. There is a long pause. He puts a hand to his mouth. When he takes it away, his fingertips are bloody.) Keh, is that all you've got? (Neko ducks out of the way as Miroku fires a right hook to Chichiri's jaw.) You weakling!

  
  


Chichiri: (Head snaps back, then forward. There is a neat line of red circles across his cheekbone from the rosary. He glares at Miroku fiercely.) I'll give you a weakling, bouzu! (Throws another punch. A fist fight ensues between the two houshis. The other cast members look on, some worried, some, well . . . not.)

  
  


Fluffy: (produces a bowl of popcorn from somewhere and settles down to watch the fight.)

  
  


MJ: (watching the fight as well) Five bucks says the lech-monk wins.

  
  


IY: I'll see your five and call it, double or nothing.

  
  


MJ: You're on.

  
  


Neko: M-Chan, this is not the time to be taking sides! *beat* Ten dollars on Chichiri. (Slaps a ten dollar bill on the table.)

  
  


IY: (shakes head) Shameful, absolutely deplorable.

  
  


Neko: (after thought, slaps another ten onto the table) No, wait. Ten dollars on Miroku. (Glances back and forth, uncertain.) Uh . . . um . . . AW, DAMNIT!! (Collapses into a chair with her head in her hands.) I'm confuuuuused!

  
  


Fluffy: Occupational hazard of being Neko. (Beans MJ with a piece of popcorn.)

  
  


MJ: Must you?

  
  


Fluffy: *smile* Yes.

  
  


(Chichiri lands a couple of punches in a row. Miroku staggers back a few steps, bleeding from both nose and mouth.)

  
  


Chichiri: Had enough?

  
  


Miroku: (wipes the blood off his face) That does it. Now I'm miffed! (Discreetly removes rosary, keeping fist closed.) You want a piece of me?

  
  


Chichiri: Bring it on, bitch!

  
  


Miroku: You asked for it. (Sweeps hand up and forward.) Kaze ana!

  
  


Chichiri: O.O Oh sh!t, no da. (Throws a punch which doesn't connect. The void starts to pull him in.)

  
  


Neko: *on her feet* No, Miroku! Don't do it!

  
  


Miroku: (ignores her)

  
  


Chichiri: (The kasa clatters to the floor as he is lifted off his feet.) Neko! (Cut to Neko for a second. Her eyes are wide and teary.) Wo ai ni, Neko-chan. (He disappears.)

  
  


Neko: (wails) Noooooo! *tears* (Amiboushi restrains her. WW restrains MJ from tearing a certain monk limb from limb. Barely.)

  
  


Miroku: *rattle of rosaries as he closes the void* Well, that's that. (Turns to the rest of the group. Falls over.) Ow . . . . (There is stunned silence, except for Neko crying.) Aw, Neko, don't cry. Please?

  
  


MJ: (shakes off WW, walks slowly and purposefully around the table, and stands toe-to-toe with the monk. She looks PISSED.) You've got one helluva nerve telling her that, bouzu. (Right-crosses him across the face, bloodying his nose again.) You bastard! How could you! (Storms off the bus in tears.)

[AN: Chichiri is one of my favorite characters, too.]

  
  


Tani: I'll go after her.

  
  


Kouga: No, you stay here with Neko. I'll go. (Exits.)

  
  


Neko: (picks up the kasa) Chichiri . . . . *tear*

  
  


Miroku: (puts an arm around her shoulders) Daijoubu, Neko-san. 

  
  


Neko: (shrugs him off, angrily) Is it?

  
  


Miroku: Sure it is! There's only one monk in your life now. That ought to diminish some of the confusion.

  
  


IY: *mutter mutter can't believe he's being so selfish mutter mutter*

  
  


Miroku: Of course, no da. (Blinks.) Excuse me . . . . (Rushes to the bathroom in the back and slams the door.)

  
  


Neko: *twitch* Did he just say what I think he just said?

  
  


Jukai: Couldn't be . . . . 

  
  


Amiboushi: . . . . could it? (Sounds of Miroku beating his head against the wall are heard.)

  
  


K-Chan: O-kaaay . . . time to get him on Prozac.

  
  


Miroku: (opens bathroom door. His robes are a bit disheveled; so is his hair.) That's much better.

  
  


HH: Daijoubu, Miroku-san?

  
  


Miroku: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be, no da? (Claps hand over mouth; rushes back into the bathroom and proceeds to beat his head against the wall some more.)

  
  


Spike: Somebody's a little confused.

  
  


(Tasuki stumbles up the bus steps, sporting a black eye. Sano enters behind him, dusting off his knuckles and grinning triumphantly.)

  
  


Sano: We're back!

  
  
  
  


[Elsewhere . . . . ]

  
  


(MJ has also disappeared, although not into a demon-born void in the palm of a monk's hand. Kouga is out looking for her. The area around the bus is thick with tall trees for the purposes of this episode.)

  
  


Kouga: *calling out* M-CHAN! (No answer.) Come on, say something, will ya?

  
  


(Cut to tree trunk, steadily ascending until the camera comes upon MJ, seated in the crook of several branches that form a sort of tripod basket seat. Kouga is heard hollering from below.)

  
  


Kouga: *from ground* Oi, MJ, where are ya?

  
  


MJ: *shortly* You needn't shout. I'm not deaf.

  
  


Kouga: (looking around) Nani? Where are you?

  
  


MJ: Right here.

  
  


Kouga: (peering around the tree) Where? I don't see you.

  
  


MJ: That's because you're looking in the wrong direction.

  
  


Kouga: Eh?

  
  


MJ: Look up.

  
  


Kouga: (looks up, sees MJ sitting high up in the tree) Wow, how'd you get way up there?

  
  


MJ: *simply* It's written in the script.

  
  


Kouga: (pulls out a script, leafs through it) Well, so it is . . . . (Ditches script; begins to climb tree in a series of leaps from branch to branch.)

  
  


(Camera - level with MJ. Kouga enters on right side of frame.)

  
  


MJ: Showoff.

  
  
  
  


[Back on the bus . . . . ]

  
  


(Miroku is still in the bathroom, leaning on the sink and staring at his face in the mirror. Sweat dots his brow. The face he sees in the mirror is not his own, but Chichiri's.)

  
  


Miroku: *to himself* What the hell is wrong with me? (He suddenly twitches and Chichiri seems to speak from within him without Miroku's consent.) Where would you like me to start, no da? (Another twitch and he is back to himself again.) N-Nani? *twitch* I've got a list a mile long, no da. *twitch* (Miroku claps his hands over his ears momentarily.) No, no, stop it, stop it! *twitch* YOU stop it, no da! *twitch* You stop it! *twitch* You! *twitch* You! *twitch* You! *twitch* You! *twitch* You! *twitch* Aaargh! (Claps hands to sides of head, panting and wide-eyed.)

  
  
  
  


[Outside the washroom . . . . ]

  
  


(The rest of the cast is crowded around with their ears pressed to the wall.)

  
  


Sara J: (as thuds are heard from inside) What's he DOING in there?

  
  


Spike: Here's a life lesson for ya: Never ask a question unless you're sure you want to know the answer.

  
  


K-Chan: (bats at him) Sh! I can't hear!

  
  


(Split screen. Cast on one side, Miroku on the other, the wall in the middle.)

  
  


Miroku: (muttering, rocking back and forth) This can't be happening . . . . this can't be happening . . . . *twitch* Sure it can, no da. *twitch* O.O; Eh? *twitch* Well, you're awake and you're sober, so this must be happening, no da. *twitch* Oh yeah? . . . (Smacks self across face.) Ha! I AM dreaming! That didn't . . . . (Stops; puts hand to side of face in pain.) . . . . ow. *twitch* I TOLD you, no da. *twitch* O.o;

  
  
  
  


[Up a certain tree . . . . ]

  
  


Kouga: *to MJ, as they are perched on the branch* Anyhow, the others sent me to bring you back. So, come on, let's go.

  
  


MJ: (crosses arms stubbornly) Iie.

  
  


Kouga: *sigh* I don't have time for this. Iko. [Let's go.] (Jumps down from tree. MJ stays put. Kouga, now on the ground, looks up.) MJ!

  
  


MJ: I told you, I'm not going!

  
  


Kouga: *exasperated sigh/eye roll* Let's go, bitch. Get your ass in gear!

  
  


MJ: No way.

  
  


Kouga: *beginning to lose it* Get down here right now! (No response.) I'm WAITING!

  
  


MJ: Yeah, and you're gonna wait a while longer, too!

  
  


Kouga: *mutter mutter* Wench. (Looks up, notices that MJ is randomly wearing IY's rosary.) Eh? 

Hmm . . . (Scratches head for a minute, then the little light bulb goes off.) Meh, it's worth a shot! Osuwari!

  
  


MJ: (plummets to the ground) Itai! 

  
  


Kouga: Dude, it worked! (Hoists MJ onto his shoulder.) Right then, back to the bus. (Trots off, with MJ hollering every step of the way.)

  
  


MJ: (yelling for all she's worth) Damn you, Kouga! Put me down!

  
  


Kouga: OK. You're ugly, you're obnoxious, and your mother dresses you funny.

  
  


MJ: You son of a bitch, I'm gonna kick your ass! Put me down! Put me down! (Kouga ignores her squalling all the way back to the bus.)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Don't look so shocked . . . if you haven't already picked up on my violent tendencies, you haven't been keeping up with the series! ^.^ Anyway, R&R, visit, yatta yatta yatta . . . .

  
  


Next Episode: Schizophrenic arguments are never as entertaining when they happen to you . . . .


	13. The Monk Has Two Faces

Nihao, minna! Due to a whole lotta confusion over what happened to Chichiri and people threatening to damage me if he doesn't come back, I have decided to post the rest fo Season One of The Continued Adventures of the Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom . . . .

And there was much rejoicing . . . . (yay)

However, I still think the episode are a lot easier to read and a helluva lot less confusing with the proper formatting, so please visit my website for the better version of Season One (which is episodes 1 - 19, btw) as well as however many episodes of Season Two are posted. (At the time of this posting, I was up to Ep 22: "The Ghetto Bus Presents . . . . ")

A Quick Note For Those of You Who Are Worried About Chichiri: No worries. I love him just as much as you do, so he's not gone forever. He's just . . . shall we say . . . on holiday.

And YES, Miroku WILL be getting his just desserts, nyeh heh heh heh heh . . . .

  
  


Episode 13: "The Monk Has Two Faces"

  
  


(Miroku, still in the washroom, is arguing with . . . uh, himself . . . or Chichiri, however you wanna see it.) 

  
  


Miroku: Why is this happening to me?! The void never had these kinds of side effects before . . . .

*twitch* Well, you never absorbed a shishiseishi before, now did you, no da. 

*twitch* N-No, can't say I have . . . not to my knowledge, anyway . . . . 

*twitch* To your knowledge . . . keh! Stupid bouzu, no da. 

*twitch* Hey! 

*twitch* Oh shut up, we both know it's true, nan no da. 

*twitch* OK, you know what? You're really starting to get on my nerves! 

*twitch* Likewise, no da.

*twitch* (Stands.) Don't make me kick your sorry ass again! 

*twitch* I'd like to see you try, no da! 

*twitch* Don't tempt me, kisama. 

*twitch* How exactly do you plan to do that? I'm inside your brain, no da! This isn't a pleasant place to be stuck, either. I've never seen so many lecherous, hormone-driven thoughts together in one single place! It's enough to keep Fluffy-san spinning that plate for weeks, nan no da! 

*twitch* Hey! Did I say you could read my thoughts? I think NOT! 

*twitch* Yes, you think not. That's becoming more and more obvious, no da. 

*twitch* Say that again. 

*twitch* It's becoming more and more obvious that you think not . . . of anything except getting laid, no da! 

*twitch* You're asking for it, old man! 

*twitch* You can get as pissed as you want, bouzu. Not that it'll do you any good, no da. I'm in here and there's not much you can do about . . . . (Miroku punches himself in the jaw.) That's better. Hello, silence, my old friend. (He turns to leave the washroom.) 

  
  


Chichiri: *voiceover* Don't get too comfortable, bouzu. You're not rid of me yet, no da. 

  
  


[AN: And on that ominous note, we conclude the shortest episode in Ghetto Bus history!]


	14. Random Happenings

Episode 14: "Random Happenings" 

(The next few episodes, this one especially, are a takeoff on the old comedy show "Laugh-In." All the cast

members of The Continued Adventures of the Blue Psychedelic yatta yatta yatta are in or around the bus. There's a party going on. As each scene occurs, the camera zooms in on that one particular spot.)   
  


[Scene 1: Miroku & Neko]   
  
Miroku: *sincerely* Neko-sama, I just want you to know that I feel really bad about making Chichiri disappear. 

Neko: It's OK, we'll all survive. (Points to the kasa hanging down her back.) And I still have the kasa, so it's like part of him is still with us.   
  
Miroku: *under his breath* You have NO idea . . . .   
  
Neko: Eh?   
  
Miroku: Nan demo nai desu. [It's nothing.] So . . . you're not still mad at me, are you?   
  
Neko: Not really, no. 

Miroku: *turning on the charm* Not planning to terminate my existence in some horribly messy and violent way?   
  
Neko: (laughs) No, no, you're OK. 

Miroku: *theatrically exaggerated relief* Thank goodness! Big load off my mind! Oh, and now that that's out of the way . . . can I ask you something?   
  
Neko: *hesitantly* I guess . . . .   
  
Miroku: Neko-san, will you reconsider bearing my child, no da? AW DAMNIT!   
  
Neko: *blink blink*   
  
Miroku: Excuse me . . . . (Runs away.)   
  
  
  


[Scene 2: Kouga, MJ, Tani, Trin, & IY] 

Tani: *to Kouga* So, you just recited the command and . . . (Pantomimes a fall with her hand.) . . . down she goes?   
  
Kouga: *nod* Yeah, it was pretty funny!   
  
MJ: -.-* I didn't think it was so funny . . . . *to Kouga* And I still fully intend to kick your ass!   
  
Kouga: *aloof* You'd never catch me. 

MJ: *rotten grin* Gee, when your best tactic is to run like a ninny, it's kinda hard to come up with a good taunt, ne, Kouga-kun?   


Kouga: -.-* Who're you calling a "ninny"?   
  
Trin: *before shots are fired* Now guys, let's not disrupt the party with our petty squabbles, ne? 

MJ: O.O*** Petty?! This mangy, flea-bitten sonuvabitch . . . literally . . . causes me to plummet out of a tree onto the ground twenty feet below with a great deal of force, resulting in various and sundry physical complaints that will bother me for at least a week, not to mention the severe trauma to my dignity, and I'm being PETTY? (This is said very quickly and all in one breath.)   
  
Trin: O.o; Or not . . . . 

IY: How'd you end up with the rosary in the first place? Last I saw, Amiboushi had it. And that's another thing . . . how did any of you guys get the rosary to begin with?   
  
Kouga: *shrug* Our scriptwriter's on crack . . . .   
  
Director/Editor: -.-* I resent that . . . .   
  
IY: Well, you ARE clinically insane.   
  
Director/Editor: Urusai, inu-kodomo. [Shut up, Dog Boy.] Don't make me delete you.   
  
IY: All right, all right . . . .  
  
  
  


[Scene 3: WW & K-Chan]   
  
(At the bar.)   
  
WW: *to K-Chan* Oi . . . . (Stares into his glass.)   
  
K-Chan: (sips martini) Nani?   
  
WW: (continues staring into the glass) I've been thinking . . . .   
  
K-Chan: 'Bout what?   
  
WW: I dunno . . . stuff . . . .   
  
K-Chan: *glance* And . . . . ?   
  
WW: Should I dye my hair blonde?   
  
K-Chan: *shock* Huh?! 

WW: Never mind . . . . (Throws back shot; falls to the floor as if shoved off his stool.) Wow . . . that stuff's got a kick to it! Barkeep! (Clambers back onto the stool.) 'Nother shot of that Johnny Jump-Up! 

K-Chan: *singing* "Oh never, oh never, oh never again . . . if I live to a hundred or a hundred and ten . . . 'cause I fell to the ground and I couldn't get up . . . after drinkin' a pint of the Johnny Jump-Up!"   
  
WW: You're not funny . . . .   
K-Chan: (ignores him; continues singing) "I'll tell you a story that happened to me . . . . "   
  
  
  


[Scene 4: Fluffy, Sano, Crystal, Tasuki, Jesse, & Amiboushi]   
  
Crystal: *to Tasuki* So . . . what's your sign?   
  
Tasuki: O.o; A-no . . . (scoots away a few inches) Tachi'irikinshi. [No Trespassing.]   
  
Crystal: *giggle* That's cute! (Lowers voice seductively.) Bet you can't guess what mine is . . . . 

Tasuki: *nervous glance to K-Chan at the bar* //Tasukete!// [Help me!] And I'm not really sure I want to, either . . . .   
  
Crystal: Of course you do. (Whispers in his ear.)   
  
Tasuki: O.O; That's . . . um . . . *gulp* interesting . . . .   
  
Crystal: Oh, you don't know the half of it! (Scoots closer.) 

Tasuki: (scoots away) Neither do I want to know . . . . I need a drink! (High-tails it over to the bar; sits down next to K-Chan.) Barkeep! Pick the one drink you wouldn't give your worst enemy and give me a double!   
  
K-Chan: *puzzled/concerned* Daijoubu, Tas-chan?   
  
Tasuki: *high nervous voice* Yes, perfectly fine! (Picks up glass.)   
  
WW: I wouldn't do that if I were you . . . .   
  
Tasuki: (throws back his drink in one) Whoa . . . . *dizzy circles* (Sways before toppling to the floor.)   
  
WW: I told you.   
  


(Back to the other group . . . . )   
  


Jesse: *to Fluffy* So, are you a Pokémon?   
  
Fluffy: -.- No . . . .   
  
Jesse: Can I put you in a Pokéball?   
  
Fluffy: -.-* No . . . .   
  
Jesse: Can I pet your tail?   
  
Fluffy: -.-** No . . . .   
  
Jesse: Do you have a doggy collar?   
Fluffy: -.-*** No . . . . (Grits teeth.)   
  
Jesse: Do you like to play Fetch?   
  
Fluffy: -.-**** No . . . . (Starting to twitch.)   
  
Jesse: *begging* Can't I PLEASE pet your tail? 

Fluffy: *vein pop poppity pop pop pop* NO!!! (Draws Tensaiga and stabs it into the back of the couch, millimeters from Jesse's throat.)   
  
Jesse: Wow! Perfect aim! 

Fluffy: What are you talking about? (Yanks sword out of the couch.) I missed. (Puts Tensaiga back into sheath.)   
  
Jesse: O.O;;; (Suddenly, Amiboushi goes flying overhead.)   
  
Amiboushi: KYAAAAAH! (All eyes turn to Sano.)   
  
Sano: *all wide-eyed innocence* What?  
  


[Scene 5: MJ, IY, & Kouga] 

MJ: *just finished her rant* Arigatou, Inuyasha-kun, for letting me vent. It's nice to have someone who can relate.   
  
IY: (waves hand dismissively) Oyasui koto desu. [No trouble at all.] (Kouga passes by. He is now wearing the rosary.)   
  
MJ: (eyes gleam evilly; vaguely disturbing smile) Well, well . . . what have we here?   
  
Kouga: *clueless expression* What?   
  
IY: (notices rosary) Man, you're in for it now!   
  
Kouga: Eh? (Sees rosary.) O.O; Uh-oh . . . .   
  
MJ: *as loud as she possibly can* OSUWARI! (Kouga is imbedded in the linoleum.) 

Kouga: *THUD* Kuso . . . . *glare* Bitch . . . . (MJ smiles pleasantly and walks away, stepping on Kouga's spine in the process.)  
  
  
  
  
  


Yes, thank you . . . I AM evil . . . . and he deserved that anyway! Sit ME out of a tree will ya . . . . *grumble grumble promises of painful vengeance upon the flea-bitten . . . never mind*   
  


R&R, visit me, et cetera et cetera . . . . *eye flash hitokiri gold* JUST DO IT!


	15. The Fluffy Sleeps Tonight

Episode 15: "The Fluffy Sleeps Tonight" 

(Same setup as Ep 14, except that now a stage with microphones and other musical equipment has been

added. MJ climbs up onto the stage.) 

MJ: *into a mike* Hello? Could I have your attention, please? (Crowd continues talking.) Hey, you guys! I've got something rather important to say here! (Crowd continues talking.) Hellooo-oo . . . . (Crowd continues talking.) -.-* Is ANYONE listening to me? (Crowd continues talking.) *yell* SEX! (Dead silence. Crickets chirp.) Much better. Now that I have your attention, listen up. We're going to put on a little music and do some karaoke. 

(In the audience . . . . ) 

Fluffy: *to Spike* What does that mean? 

Spike: *pained expression* It means we're all in really big trouble. 

MJ: *from stage* So, who wants to go first? (More crickets chirp.) Oh geez . . . look, somebody, ANYBODY . . . *glance* . . . well, ALMOST anybody volunteer or I'll choose a victim. (Still, the chirping crickets.)Don't make me come out there. (The audience members glance at each other nervously. Several stares land on Fluffy.) 

Fluffy: (glares indignantly) Nan da? *beat* Oh no! Ikemasen. [No way!] Not a chance! I, Sesshoumaru, am NOT getting up on that damned stage and I sure as bloody hell am not going to sing! (Crosses arms defiantly.) 

K-Chan: (pinches Fluffy's nose and shoves three or four Chemical Pops into his mouth) Here. Tanjoubi omedetou. [Happy Birthday.] 

Fluffy: *already tripping* Hooo . . . . (Sits back, looking a little loopy.) Hee hee . . . . (Staggers to his feet and wobbles toward the stage.) Hey everyone! Let's sing a pretty song! Pretty pretty pretty song! Tra la la la la . . . . (Skips onto the stage.) 

MJ: O.o; Uh, here . . . . (Shoves a mike into Fluffy's hands.) Any idea what you're going to sing? *aside* K-Chan, I'm gonna get you for this. 

Fluffy: *finger on chin, eyes all wide and sparkly* Hmmmm . . . . how about that old Disney favorite, "It's A Small World"! 

MJ: *goes pale* (Leaves stage post haste.) 

K-Chan: (spits her drink across the bar) 

Neko: O.O; 

Trin: (crosses herself) 

Sano: (looks very nervous) 

Chan: (jaw hits floor . . . figuratively speaking) 

Tani: Getting a little afraid . . . . 

Jesse: (looks queasy) 

Genki: *enthused* Hurray! 

Trin: (nonchalantly clocks him over the head) 

Genki: (passes out on the floor) 

Fluffy: *singing in a frighteningly high, child-like falsetto* "It's a small world after all . . . . " [AN: I won't torture myself or you by writing out the whole damn thing. We all know how it goes.]   
  


[Just offstage - MJ, Neko, K-Chan, Tani, Shippou, Trin, Sano, Jukai, Nuriko, & Suboushi] 

MJ: *hoarse whisper* Nice going, K-Chan! We didn't learn much from Episode Four, did we? (In the background, Fluffy is still singing.) 

K-Chan: Don't you give me that dirty look . . . . 

MJ: Never mind, we'll settle this later. Right now, we need to get a certain drunk-off-his-ass dog demon off the stage, preferably without losing any limbs in the process. Now, I have a small, small idea . . . .(Group huddle.) *buzz buzz plot scheme whisper* 

Suboushi: What?! Are you completely out of your mind? 

MJ: *deadpan* Actually, yes, but that's not the point . . . . 

Suboushi: *pratfall* 

Nuriko: It's crazy! Doumo dame darou. [It'll never work.] 

MJ: If anyone has a better idea, I'm listening. *dead silence* That's what I thought. All right, people . . . . 

Shippou: Ahem. 

MJ: . . . . and kitsune, let's move out!  
  


[Onstage] 

(Fluffy is still warbling away. Most of the audience members are holding their ears and sporting pained expressions.) 

(Cut to Jukai, his hand on a fuse box lever.) 

Jukai: Here goes nothing . . . . (Pulls lever. With a sound like a door closing, the lights go out.) 

(In the ensuing darkness, sounds of a scuffle are heard, muffled curses and . . . duct tape? Fluffy stops singing with a muffled squeak. More sounds of struggle.) 

Fluffy: *still attempting to finish his song* It's a . . . *mumble mumble* Kamawanaide! It's . . . *mumble mumble* . . . after all . . . *mumble* 

Sano: Drat and damnation! 

Nuriko: Hold still, ya fuzzy bastard! *sound of a punch connecting* 

*THUD* 

K-Chan: Much better. Here, gimme a hand with this . . . . 

Trin: "Gimme" died yesterday. 

Neko: And so will we if we don't finish this before he wakes up! [AN: Puzzled? You should be!] (There is a long pause, during which unidentifiable shuffling sounds are heard.) OK, Jukai, hit the lights! 

(The lights come back up, revealing a rather interesting scene onstage. MJ, Neko, K-Chan, Nuriko, Trin, Tani, Sano, and Suboushi are crowded onto the stage, surrounding Fluffy , who is tied to a stool, unconscious, a band of duct tape across his mouth, and a certain fluffy-tailed kitsune sitting on his head.) 

MJ: (rests hands on knees) Phew . . . . 

Tani: Ah, blessed silence! 

Trin: Boy, am I glad THAT'S over! 

Sano: Indeed. 

K-Chan: Good going, people . . . . (Glances at Shippou.) . . . and kitsune. 

Jukai: (gives thumbs-up from the back) 

Nuriko: (throws him a kiss) 

Jukai: (pretends to catch it) 

Nuriko: *wink* 

Jukai: *giggle* 

MJ: *eye roll* Oh, brother . . . . 

Shippou: *from his perch on Fluffy's head* So, what now? (As no one had considered what would happen next, they all freeze and look dumbfounded.) *beat* 

MJ: (faces camera) Ladies, gentlemen, and other semi-intelligent life forms, due to unforeseen complications, we will have to . . . . 

Kouga: *calling out* "Unforeseen complications," my ass! You ran out of ideas! Ya two-bit charlatan! Ya no- good excuse for a . . . . 

Crew On Stage: *all together now* OSUWARI! (Kouga belly-flops to the floor.) 

MJ: As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted . . . . 

Kouga: (grabs ponytail and yanks his face out of the Kouga-shaped crater in the floor) Bitch . . . . 

MJ: *under her breath* Osuwari. (Kouga crashes to the floor again.) *regular volume* Due to unforeseen complications, we will have to temporarily terminate this episode until a satisfactory alternative can be found. Please stand by. 

[Dead Air Signal]  
  


(Cameras come back online and focus on the stage. Fluffy, still tied to the stool, is awake, partially sober, and royally pissed. The same crew from before is gathered around him, dressed in khaki shorts and brightly colored Hawaiian shirts, except for MJ, who wears dark blue jeans, a black muscle tee, and black leather bracers.) 

[AN: This is my "wild child" gear. It looks GOOD.] 

MJ: *to camera* Ladies, gentlemen, and other semi-intelligent life forms, we here at the Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom thank you for your patience. And now, the musical stylings of Perfectly Sane People. (Cues music, leaves stage.) 

(Conga drums start to play. The remaining cast members onstage begin to snap their fingers in what is rapidly becoming a familiar beat.) 

Trin: *singing* Wee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee wee-um bum ba way . . . . *repeat* 

(The audience members nudge each other and exchange knowing grins. Fluffy looks very displeased.) 

[AN: In case any have you haven't gotten this yet, the song is "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," with one slightly . . . ok, VERY sadistic twist. Boy, is Fluffy in for it now!] 

Crew On Stage: *hereafter the backups* A weemba wop, a weemba wop, a weemba wop, a weemba wop, a weemba wop, a weemba wop, a weemba wop, a weemba wop . . . . " 

Neko: *sings* In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Fluffy sleeps tonight . . . . in the jungle, the quiet jungle, the Fluffy sleeps tonight . . . . 

Fluffy: *eyes wide and bloodshot* Grrrrrr . . . . (The backups sing their line.) 

Tani: *singing over the backups* A weee-ee-ee-ee, a-wee um bum ba way . . . . *repeat* 

K-Chan: *sings* Near the village, the sleepy village, the Fluffy sleeps tonight . . . . near the village, the peaceful village, the Fluffy sleeps tonight . . . . 

(The audience, now seeing that the group is going to go through with the whole number, begins to smother quiet, amused laughter at Fluffy's predicament.) 

Fluffy: *eye twitch* Grrrrrr . . . . -.-*** (The backups sing their line. Tani and Trin sing their line.) 

Amiboushi: (randomly appears onstage and plays saxophone solo) 

WW: *aside to Rei* Guess he learned something from that robot after all! 

Rei: *nod nod* Mm-hmm. 

Sano: *sings* Hush, my darling, don't fear, my darling. The Fluffy sleeps tonight . . . . 

Fluffy: *vein pop poppity pop pop pop* GRRRRRR . . . . *extreme pissed-off growling through the duct tape* (Shippou, like any wise kitsune, leaps off of Fluffy's head onto Sano.) 

Sano: (rocks Shippou like a baby) Hush, my darling, don't fear, my darling. The Fluffy sleeps tonight . . . . (Fluffy struggles violently. Nuriko casually clocks him. The backups form a shuffle line and sing their part. Tani and Trin sing their line in harmony three times. Neko is laughing hysterically. The backups form a can-can kick line the second and third time through. The audience is in stitches.) 

Fluffy: *looking absolutely miserable* Grrrr . . . . (Holds up a sign.) "MJ, I'm going to get you for this!" (Song ends. Audience applauds wildly and roars with laughter. Fluffy holds up another sign.) "I hate you all."  
  
  
  
  
  


So, am I screwed up or WHAT?! *waits while the reader nods vigorously* That's what I thought. Anyhoo, R&R, visit, you know you want to . . . .   
  


Next Episode: Visiting friends and more technical difficulties . . . oi vey . . . . 


	16. Whistling In The Dark

Episode 16: "Whistling In The Dark"  
  
  
  
(Same setup as previous episode. As the audience applauds wildly, the singers onstage take a bow and Fluffy . . . . )  
  
Fluffy: (butts in on narration) . . . . is going to go on a murderous rampage as soon as those idiots untie him!  
  
MJ: *as narrator* Well, you just might stay tied up for a few weeks with THAT attitude!  
  
Fluffy: Grrrr . . . Hey! If you can control what happens, why don't you help me take over the world?  
  
MJ: Because I don't like you. (The rest of the cast can hear this argument and they quiet down to listen.)  
  
Fluffy: Well, I hate you, you snotty little . . . .   
  
MJ: *speaking over him* I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Fluffy-kun.  
  
Fluffy: *enraged* Grrrr . . . . When I get loose, you'll die first, you . . . . (He is cut off in mid-sentence. The sound of knuckles hitting a jaw is heard. On stage, Fluffy, and the stool, keel over backwards.) Itaaaiiii . . . .  
  
Neko: (leans over him) Fluffy, were you fighting with the narrator? (Fluffy doesn't respond.) *to MJ* You were saying.  
  
(That's better. As the singers take a bow and Fluffy lies there conveniently unconscious, the lights suddenly go out. Random exclamations are heard and several flashlights go on at various points in the room.)  
  
Sara J: What the heck is going on? (Starts.) HEY! (Whirls around and socks Miroku.)  
  
Spike: *to the now-reeling houshi* Won't you EVER learn to keep your hands to yourself.  
  
Tasuki: I doubt it.  
  
Tani: Maybe a fuse blew . . . . (Goes off to check.)  
  
Kouga: *having extracting himself from the linoleum* Lemme guess, MJ . . . . "technical difficulties"? *mocking tone*  
  
MJ: -.-* Osuwari! (Miroku crashes to the floor.)  
  
Kouga: *triumphantly* Ah-HA! I don't have the rosary anymore! You can't "sit" me!  
  
MJ: *cringe* Oo, gomen nasai, houshi-sama . . . .   
  
Kouga: (does a happy dance) I don't have the rosary! I don't have the rosary!  
  
Amiboushi: *to Rei* Kare wa dou ka shite iru, ne? [Something is wrong with him.]  
  
Rei: (nods emphatically) Mm-HMM . . . .  
  
Kouga: (dances near the door) I don't have the rosary! I don't have the ro- . . . . (The door opens suddenly, slamming him into the wall.) Itaaaiiii . . . . (Slumps to the floor.)  
  
MJ: *after a brief stunned silence* Sugoi! (Enter Tash.)  
  
[AN: Tash is NOT to be confused with Vash the Stampede of Trigun fame. Tash is good buddy of mine from camp, and a fellow follower of the No Da no Miko. Just keep reading, you'll figure it out.]  
  
Tash: *to everyone and no one in particular* Hi, I'm looking for . . . (consults paper) . . . "The Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom Karaoke Fest" . . . . (Chiriko goes rolling by in his giant hamster ball.)  
  
Chiriko: Waaauuugh! *beat*  
  
Tash: Yup, this must be the place. *louder* Does anyone know where I can find M-Chan?  
  
MJ: *making her way across the floor* Kon'nichi wa, Tash-chan! So glad you finally decided to visit! *friendly hug*  
  
Tash: ^_^ Me, too! But . . . (lowers voice) . . . what's with the chick in the giant hamster ball?  
  
MJ: (puts an arm around Tash's shoulders) OK, first of all, that's a guy, and second of all, lemme give you some advice: around here, with some of the stuff that goes on . . . just don't ask questions if you're not entirely sure you want to know the answer. Sometimes, you're better off not knowing.  
  
Tash: And this is one of those times?  
  
MJ: My little doggy's name is Bingo.  
  
Tash: Ah. Naruhodo, no da.  
  
Neko: *shock* N-Nani? What did you just say?  
  
MJ: *Kenshin voice* Maa, maa, futari tomo, Neko-chan. Tash and I were friends at camp last year. I introduced her to our little series and told her a bit about the gang . . . and, well, to make a long story short, she's picked up The Way of the No Da.  
  
Neko: Demo . . . that's MY phrase! Mine and Chichiri's!  
  
Tasuki: *tactlessly* Well, just yours, now that the monk's . . . . OOF! (HH elbows him in the gut.)  
  
HH: You really should learn that there are times when the better part of wisdom is keeping your mouth shut.  
  
MJ: Indeed. *to Neko* I do realize that, Neko-chan, but I wasn't the one who taught . . . .   
  
Neko: -.-*** (Battle aura glows.) Iie! There is only ONE No Da no Miko and that's ME! *scary random lightning* (Dead silence. Everyone is floored as if by a giant shock wave. Neko stands amid the group, scowling darkly, hands fisted, shoulders hunched.)  
  
MJ: Um . . . righty-o then, we'll, uh . . . leave that to you . . . . eh heh heh heh . . . . Right, Tash? *no response* Tash? Yoohoo! (Tash remains silent. Her eye goes twitchety twitch twitch.) I'll take that as a yes.  
  
Chan: (glances at watch) Uh-oh . . . must to be going now. Have to feed the Pokémon. (Heads out the door, bumping into something along the way.) Ow! What a lousy place for a wall!  
  
MJ: *shudder* Pokémon . . . . [AN: Gomen, all you Pokémon fans, but I have my reasons.]  
  
Shippou: So . . . in case no one else has noticed, the lights are still out.  
  
Miroku: Except for Nuclear Neko-sama over there . . . . (Neko gives him the Big Hairy Eyeball.)  
  
Shippou: Yeah . . . so whadda we do? (No one really knows how to respond to this. The cast members look at the floor, stare off into space, shuffle their feet, etc.)  
  
Sano: (points triumphantly) We can whistle in the dark! (Clueless stares from almost everyone.) Oh, come on! You know! (More blank stares.) They Might be Giants? "Flood"? (And yet more blank stares.) No? Nothing?  
Tani: (sticks her head out from the backstage) Oi, isn't that the group that did "Particle Man"?  
  
Sano: (relieved that SOMEONE finally understands) Yes, yes that's exactly right! Muchly of doom!  
  
Neko: (in her random way, starts singing) Particle Man, Particle Man . . . doin' the things a particle can. (WW hops into the center of the circle as Particle Man. The rest of the cast begins to clap along.)  
  
Sano: What's he like? It's not important. (WW glares.) Particle Man.  
  
K-Chan: is he a dot, or is he a speck? When he's underwater, does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? (Group shrug.) Nobody knows. Particle Man.  
  
Sano: *as Nuriko jumps in* Triangle Man, Triangle Man. Triangle Man hates Particle Man. They have a fight . . . (Nuriko nonchalantly elbows WW over the head.) Triangle wins. Triangle Man. (WW promptly passes out on the floor.) *music break*  
  
Neko: Universe Man, Universe Man . . . (HH leaps into the middle like somebody set fire to his shoes.) Size-of-the-entire-universe man.  
  
HH: -.- Are you calling me fat?  
  
Neko: Usually kind to smaller man . . . Universe Man. He's got a watch with a minute hand . . . (Shippou jumps in.) . . . millennium hand . . . (In goes Trin.) . . . and an eon hand. (Tani joins the fun.) And when they meet, it's Happy Land. (The three join hands and skip around HH.) Powerful man, Universe Man. (HH strikes a pose. Nuriko applauds wildly.)  
  
Tasuki: *hops in* My turn! My turn!  
  
MJ: You asked for it . . . .  
  
K-Chan: Person Man, Person Man . . . . (Tasuki suddenly looks very afraid.) Hit on the head with a frying pan.  
  
Tasuki: Uh-oh . . . . (MJ beans him in the noggin with a frying pan, rather more enthusiastically than is necessary. Tasuki's eyes cross and he keels over into a trash can conveniently placed in the ring for the next lyric.)   
  
K-Chan: Lives his life in a garbage can. Person Man.  
  
Sano: is he depressed over is he a mess? Does he feel totally worthless?  
  
Spike: Actually, I think he's kind of comatose . . . .   
  
K-Chan: Thank you, Captain Obvious.  
  
IY: *aside* Who came up with Person Man?  
  
Sano: Degraded man, Person Man.  
  
Neko: *as Nuriko jumps back in* Triangle Man, Triangle Man . . . Triangle Man hates Person Man.  
  
Tash: Triangle Man has issues . . . . (Nuriko glances at Tasuki . . . doubled up in a trash can with his feet sticking up into the air.)   
  
Neko: They have a fight, Triangle wins. (Nuriko shoves Tasuki the rest of the way into the trash can and gives the victory sign.) Triangle Man. (The other cast members laugh and applaud. Someone hauls Tasuki and his garbage can away for separation.)  
  
K-Chan: Hey, that was fun!  
  


Jesse: (heads over to the bar) I agree, but I need caffeine. (Taps bell.) Oi, barkeep. Cup o' coffee, please. (At any other drink bar, this would suffice, but since the Ghetto Bus is shorter on cash than the crew of the Bebop, they've had to hire a stand-in bartender, who just so happens to be Irish and positively will not hear of serving COFFEE at a BAR.)  
  
Barkeep: *with a strong brogue* Beer.  
  
Jesse: *beat* No, no, coffee.  
  
Barkeep: *stubbornly* Beer.  
  
Jesse: *exasperated* No, COFFEE!  
  
Barkeep: *just as stubbornly as before* Beer.  
  
Jesse: Oh, for crying out loud . . . look, coffee. C-O- . . . .  
  
Barkeep: B-E- . . . . (Suboushi, who has been watching this exchange, snickers into his glass.)  
  
Jesse: Stuff it, Yo-yo Boy. *sigh* All right, I give up. Gimme a Guinness Stout.  
  
*NOTE: Blue Canary In The Outlet By The Light Switch Productions and the production staff of the Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom do not advocate underage drinking, hence the next line.*  
  
Barkeep: ID? (Jesse takes a pratfall.)  
  
Suboushi: Hey, everyone! The barkeep learned a new word! (He is suddenly hit in the head by a flying brick.)  
  
MJ: Be nice to the barkeep, Yo-Yo Boy no baka. (Suboushi rubs the goose egg developing on his cranium and glowers at MJ, muttering darkly. MJ sticks her tongue out at him, then checks her watch.) Aiya! I almost forgot! Will you guys please excuse me for the rest of the episode? I have to go get my wisdom teeth out.  
  
Kouga: Wisdom teeth? Aren't you stupid enough already? (MJ very calmly walks over to Miroku, removes the rosary from his neck, marches over to Kouga, places it securely around his neck and takes two steps back.)  
  
MJ: Osuwari. (Kouga kisses floor tiles.)  
  
Shippou: Can we torture Sesshoumaru while you're gone?  
  
MJ: Sure, why not. Just take pictures and fill me in when I get back, ne?  
  
Shippou: (jumps up and slaps her a high-five) Deal!  
  
MJ: Righty-o, then! Ja ne, minna! (Exits. There is a long, awkward pause almost immediately. The cast members shuffle their feet, pick their nails, etc.)  
  
Tani: So, uh . . . now what?  
  
Crystal: How about that fuse?  
  
Tani: (shakes head) No dice. We'll have to wait until Lai-Lai gets back, 'cause I can't fix it.  
  
Nuriko: There's a good point and here's another: we've NEVER done an episode without M-Chan before. Sure, she's been ELSEWHERE at times, but she's always been there at some point.   
  
Miroku: That's true, no da. (Slugs himself in the jaw.)  


Kouga: Keh, the point is she's GONE. Ding dong, the bitch is outta here and good riddance.  
  
Barkeep: *nonchalantly* Osuwari. (Kouga crashes to the floor.)  
  
Kouga: Why you little . . . . (IY steps on his head, mashing the youkai back into the linoleum.)  
  
IY: *irritably* Shut up, fur face.  
  
Miroku: We still have one small problem.  
  
IY: And that would be . . . .  
  
Miroku: Let me put it this way: does anyone else here know how to end and begin episodes? M-Chan is the AUTHOR, minna! She's responsible for that sort of thing! And if she's not here, we're in for the long haul. (Everyone looks decidedly unhappy at the prospect of a longer episode.) So, we've got to figure out some way to do things ourselves.  
  
Genki: Hm, I wonder what this button does . . . . (Pushes button, episode ends.)  
  
  
  
  
  


Wasn't that fun? Stop shaking your head or I shall smite you. Anyway, there are a few things to explain.   
  


One: When this episode was being written, I actually DID get my wisdom teeth out and it interrupted my writing for several days. It was hell. My advice to those of you who are going to get this operation in the near future is to stock up on your favorite kind of ice cream and lots of frozen peas (the bags make great ice packs and you're going to need plenty of those).  
  


Two: Yes, there is a connection between Kouga insulting me and the barkeep saying The Word. You'll find out exactly what the deal is in Episode 20: "Bishounen Babysitters." (That's the first episode in Season Two. And what a FUN episode it is! ^.^;;;) If you're REALLY desperate, all the episodes are posted on my website at least a week before they show up on FF.N, since there are mailing lists to notify and HTML conversions and loads of other fun stuff to deal with before I can post.  
  


So . . . R&R visit, yakkety yak . . . don't talk back . . . . i need sleeeeeeep . . . . . 


End file.
